It’s been a while since I gave you guys an update on my sentient twelve-foot-tall 3D-printed naked purple plastic statue of Buddy Hield. Over the summer we had a lot of adventures, but we still don’t go outside as much as Buddy wants ever since he killed a guy who was trying to mug me by caving in the dude’s skull with his indestructible plastic fist. The media coverage has died down a bit, but apparently the dude had, like, friends and family and stuff (I just assumed he was some kind of career criminal whom nobody liked), so they’re still trying to figure out who killed him. That means that we’re a lot more careful on our nighttime excursions, and we don’t go anywhere near where the guy died.
Every time we go outside it’s like a brand new adventure for Buddy. He loves the little critters and birds and all the new places. Even stuff like dumpsters, he’ll be digging through there giggling at all the weird stuff people throw away. I try to tell him to be quiet because I don’t want to get busted hanging out with a gigantic naked purple thing that’s alive and looks like some kind of modern art-Roman statuary mashup. Buddy’s pretty gentle but now that I know he has the ability to kill people, I don’t really want other people finding out about him because he could kill them pretty easily. Buddy also doesn’t feel remorse for things that he feels are justified, and since he only talks in nonsense gibberish, it’s hard to tell what’s going on in his head sometimes.
The most fun thing we did was breaking into the zoo after-hours and going around looking at all the animals. Most of them were asleep but some of them woke up when they saw us with our flashlights. Buddy thought petting the goats was just about the best thing ever. That was a good thing and a bad thing because the goats were really aggressive in going for the food pellets in Buddy’s hand, and Buddy’s laughter became so raucous that one of the night caretakers heard and started coming for us. Luckily the goat enclosure was right next to the parking lot so we got away before the employee saw us or our car. Buddy was really happy for a few days after that, even though I told him multiple times that we probably can’t go back to the zoo for a while. Now he’s smart enough to use my laptop to watch goat videos on YouTube.
Car rides are uncomfortable for Buddy because he has to lie down in the back with the backseat folded down so nobody sees him. It’s not comfortable for him because he doesn’t fit unless he scrunches up. I also tell him not to move so that if somebody does look in my car, they just see a big purple statue that’s not inexplicably alive and cognizant. Mostly we just walk places so he can stretch out his legs.
I can’t wait until those stupid detectives give up trying to figure out who killed the guy so me and Buddy can go on adventures more often. He’s my best friend.