Trae Young Career High 36 Points/8 Threes/8 Assists Full Highlights (2/25/2019)

The main problem, I think, with Trae Young is his name. “Trae”. “Young”. That’s just not gonna cut it, not with names like Giannis Antetokounmpo, Nerlens Noel, and Isaiah Briscoe (among countless others) occupying the league. He needs an upgrade.

Let’s start with his first name. First things first, he needs an S in there somewhere. “Strae”? That’s a good start, already sounds way better and way more like an All-Star caliber player. But it still sounds kinda weird. That R needs to go. “Stae”. Okay, we’re back tracking a little bit, because now it sounds like “Stae Woke” or something. We need another consonant sound at the end there. What would be a good one? X? Nah. What about a PH? Now we’re talking. “Staph”. That sounds pretty cool, except you can’t have an NBA player who’s any good at all being named after an infectious disease. That vowel needs to change. E’s are the most common vowel in English, so that seems like a safe bet. “Steph”.

Now the last name. Again, not a great name. Would you want a guy named “Trae Old”? No, because you would know he’d be sucky and old. Same with Young. Okay, so everyone knows the best names start with a C. It’s common knowledge, that’s just how it is. So if this dude wants a good last name, it has to start with C. “Coung”. That’s not really pronounceable the way it’s spelled, so let’s remove the O. “Cung”. You know what I’m thinking now? You’re probably thinking the same thing. Cunnilingus. No. Not good. That won’t do. Maybe add a Y to the end? “Cungy”. Slightly less dirty sounding, but only slightly. But we’re making progress. If we want it to sound family-friendly, though, that NG phoneme has to be replaced. My first thought was with an NT. Oops! What about an R? “Cury”. Nah, too short. Let’s up the amount of R’s. “Curry”. Oh yeah. Now we’re talking. “Curry”.

“Steph Curry”

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