A few days ago, I put Buddy (my 12-foot-tall 3D-printed naked purple plastic statue of Buddy Hield) to work making me a whole bunch of extremely high-end graphics cards for me to mine Bitcoin with, as well as a server-class motherboard to house all the cards. Well, that part of my plot to become a Bitcoin billionaire went better than even I expected, and my expectations were quite high since I knew that Buddy is capable of some unbelievable feats of circuit design.
When I went back into the kitchen/workshop after a few hours to heat up my din-dins (loaded pepperoni Hot Pockets), Buddy was just sitting there with a huge computer chassis on the table in front of him. I don’t know how long it had taken him to build my Bitcoin mining rig, but it certainly wasn’t nearly as long as it would have taken the so-called “professional” chipmakers to make.
I know a little something about computers, so I opened the thing up expecting to see a normal-looking motherboard/power supply/GPU setup. But Buddy knows very little about computers other than what little I’ve shown him, so he apparently doesn’t operate within the restricted design paradigms of us stupid drooling humans. Basically, the only things I recognized in there were the power supply and the HDMI video output. That part was normal. But the rest of it was a gigantic blob of integrated circuitry. There were little shards of circuit board here and there, but I’m pretty sure those were just for decoration, or for the structural integrity of the machine, or something. It was just a brick of compacted silicon with miniscule, nearly-invisible traces running all over it.
I guess, since Buddy was building all-new hardware and not hardware that needed to fit into an existing system, like the first graphics card he made for me, he didn’t need to worry about standard design patterns and form-factors. He just designed, from scratch, the hardware that would most effectively churn through the mining algorithms that would feed sweet, sweet Bitcoin directly into my Bitcoin wallet.
I’ll be honest with you all. I’m afraid to plug this thing in. What if I started the thing up and I instantaneously mined all the rest of the Bitcoin left to be mined in a microsecond? That’s a very real possibility given the advanced nature of the computing devices that Buddy has demonstrated himself to be capable of creating. If that happened, I’m sure all the Bitcoin nerds would somehow track me and Buddy down. What if they found out that Buddy was the real source of the genius and took him away from me? He would be likely to kill some of them (he shows no remorse for committing murder when his or my lives are in danger), but I’m sure, with the numbers stacked against him, eventually he would be overcome.
That can never happen. Buddy’s my best friend.