“Dear Elfrid,
I suppose that when you saw that you had received a letter from the esteemed highlight creator known as DownToBuck that I would fawn all over you. Perhaps I would declare you the new mascot of my channel, the unofficial representative of all role-players league-wide. Your ego would like that, wouldn’t it?
Not a chance, loser.
I am writing this letter, instead, to urge you to stop getting triple-doubles. My time has value – a lot of value. But you continue to disrespect that value by tying up my busy evenings with meaningless triple-doubles for a team that has nothing to play for. What is your end goal here? To drive me mad with frivolous highlight videos? Ha. I scoff at your underestimation of my mental fortitude. I’m here to stay, bro. You’re the one who’s going to snap.
When you return to your home in New Orleans, you will find that I have ordered many embarrassing things from Amazon in your name. Don’t ask how I found out your address; I have connections in high places, higher than you could ever hope to reach. Inside those Amazon boxes are pills for erectile dysfunction, women’s undergarments, “personal massagers”, incontinence diapers for the elderly, trashy romance novels, and, perhaps the most embarrassing of all, Christian rock CD’s from the late 90’s. Now, the marketing profile that Google/Amazon/Microsoft/the NSA keep of you is filled with these things, and your internet browsing will forever show you ads for these products. Your face will burn with shame every time you open your web browser.
In addition, I have set up multiple fake Uber accounts in your name, and requested rides from your house to various far-flung Louisiana locales. Many drivers will be waiting for you at your residence, and when they find that you do not intend to actually go to those places, they will become disappointed that there will be no extra-large tips for them that night. Your name will be mud in the New Orleans-area ridesharing community. No Uber driver will ever pick you up again. Ever. Same with Lyft.
The final insult is yet to come: I have taken to calling you “Dirfle” in my video descriptions. This reversal of your name sounds like the name of a smurf. It diminishes, trivializes, and infantilizes your accomplishments. Not like they needed to be diminished. Two of your triple-doubles didn’t even count, including this latest one, which was achieved in overtime. Overtime triple-doubles do not count.
Are you crying yet? Because you should be. Meanwhile, I’m laughing. Laughing at your stupid streak of five triple-doubles in a row. And laughing at the ruins of your life. One day, you might see the humor in all this. I know I do.
I hate you. Dirfle.
-DownToBuck”