The Rockets season is over. This isn’t as tragic as the way they lost last year, which was a top-five tragic occurrence in the NBA ever, but it still must be sad for Houston fans. They just kind of sputtered out, even playing at home in an elimination game with the opposing team missing its best player couldn’t get them to play with intensity. I totally understand, though. If I was given two choices, going back to work for a few more weeks versus eating chicken wings on the couch while watching the NBA playoffs, I’d choose the second every time.
So what went wrong? What’s the deal here? I’ve spent some time thinking about it, and here are some of my thoughts.
-D’Antoni has had enough postseason disasters where I’m thinking he might not be a good playoff coach. True analysis of this concept is beyond my reach, however, because I’m actually really dumb when it comes to actually thinking about the actual game of basketball.
-Chris Paul is getting paid WAY too much for his current production. This is easy to see. And it’s easy to see that it’s only going to get worse from here on out.
-Also he’s a flopping bitch. People complain about Harden, but at least he flops to try and score points for his team, a noble goal. Paul just flops for the sake of flopping, and because he’s a bitch. If the refs are trying to sabotage him and his teams in the playoffs, that’s actually fine by me. They should. Because he’s a bitch. Whenever I think about his famous “heliflopter” I get super mad.
-Speaking of Harden, he’s pretty good. Maybe he’s a playoff underperformer, maybe not, but he’s not the problem here. Honestly, I’d probably vote for him for MVP if I had a vote (for some reason running a world-renowned YouTube highlight channel isn’t enough for one even though people like Lkhagvasüren from Ulaanbaatar Sport Radio get one). I mean, he scored 36 points per game this season. That’s nuts.
-Speaking of non-problems, P.J. Tucker is a good role-player. He hits threes, he plays defense. There’s a term for that kind of player that is escaping me right now. Anyway, he can hold his head high. It’s not his fault most of his teammates are week-willed pansies.
-Carmelo Anthony was cruddy, but he didn’t deserve to be made the scapegoat for this team early on. Perhaps some negative karma was accrued by dumping him for nothing, and now the universe has come to collect on that debt.
-What even is their mascot. Shouldn’t they have a mascot that is something other than a giant teddy-bear? Like, I don’t know, a ROCKET? Rockets are cool, and not only are they cool, they’re PHALLIC. Just the thing to get into the opposing team’s heads, by insinuating that everyone on the Rockets is really packing some heat down there.
-I’m pretty sure they were relying on Iman Shumpert for playoff production. That’s a one-way ticket to loserville. LMAO.
-While we’re on the topic of playoff production, did you notice who got some buckets for the Spurs in their series? Donatas Motiejunas. I liked the version of the Rockets where that dude was getting hella buckets way more than the current version.
Goodbye, Rockets fans. It was kind of a fun season, despite all the problems. I’m not expecting you to watch this video, or to interact with NBA media at all for the next few months. And you don’t need to be reminded, but just don’t watch the NBA Awards show, whenever it is. I don’t think you will like the outcome of a certain award vote.