Pascal Siakam 26 Points/1 Championship Full Highlights (6/13/2019)

My game six viewing experience was interesting to say the least.

Most of the time I’m a solitary basketball watcher. I don’t go to bars or restaurants to watch the games because those places are loud and the TV’s are usually too far away. The few times I’ve been in one against my will while sports are being shown, the patrons of those places have, in short order, revealed themselves to be complete casuals, complete homers, and, frankly, complete morons. The ignorance of these normies is intolerable. They literally ruin the game-time experience for me.

I also don’t invite friends over to watch the games with me. Despite my implications to the contrary, I do have a small amount of real-life friends, but having them over at my place for three whole hours is just way too much friendship time for me, especially because most of them are casuals too. I hate casuals.

So my plan for game six was to sit on my couch with the game on TV and eat snacks by myself. That’s another bonus of watching games alone: you don’t have to share snacks with anybody. Especially if your kitty Japurri Purrker is well-trained to not beg for human food.

But my plans changed when, five minutes before tip-off, my doorbell rang. Thinking that I had accidentally butt-dialed a GrubHub order, I answered it, but I didn’t find a deliveryperson standing there with a bag of unexpected yet delicious food.

“Can I come in?” asked the cute latina who lives in the apartment above mine. She was wearing a Warriors jersey and carrying a bag of lime-flavored tortilla chips (which are gross and taste like piss BTW), so I knew she wanted to watch the game with me.

There was part of me that wanted to say no. The sane part. The part that’s done with women forever. But there was another part that at least wanted to maintain friendly relations with my neighbors. I didn’t want to spend a rude fifteen seconds trying to make a decision, so I caved. “Yeah, for sure.” I had her sit down on the couch where a tantalizing array of snacks was already on display. When I walked to the kitchen to get drinks, I couldn’t help but notice that the leggings she was wearing made her bottom half look nice. Then I chastised myself for allowing the allure of a womanly figure to hijack my emotions.

I sat a comfortable, but not antisocial, distance away from her as the game started. And I have to say, it was actually a pretty fun time. She knew enough about basketball to know what was happening on screen, but not enough to have stupid “hot takes”. I was worried she might try to scoot closer to cuddle me or something, but she didn’t; Japurri was between us acting as a chaperone (he’s a good kitty). The latina (I wish I knew her name) was really into the game, and while she was wearing a Curry jersey, she seemed happy that the Raptors won a championship in the end.

Then things started happening.

“Thanks for letting me watch the game with you,” she said when I turned the TV off (postgame coverage is pointless and sucks). “Oh, you’ve got some salsa on your face.”

I know that was a lie because I didn’t actually eat any salsa. I don’t like salsa. Plain tortilla chips are fine. But before I could stop her, she was gently wiping my mouth with her fingers, and the touch of skin-on-skin was electric. My resolve to never again allow a woman into my heart was failing.

“I think I got it,” she breathed. “Let me taste to find out.” Our faces were way too close together now. Japurri, seeing my predicament, was meowing in panic.

With my last ounce of willpower, I jumped up from the sofa, pretending I got a text. “Oh, this is important,” I said while looking at my phone.

The latina looked disappointed yet determined. “I’m sure it can wait,” she purred. I could still feel the terrifying pull of her seductive power.

For some reason, my brain locked up and I made up a crazy story about the nonexistent text. “No, really. I just got inducted into, uh, the Interplanetary Highlight Creators Consortium. The induction ceremony is in fifteen minutes. I gotta go.” I didn’t really want to leave my apartment with her just sitting in it, but I had no choice at that point, so I sprinted out the door. I’m a decent runner so I ran full-speed for ten minutes without stopping. Finally, I stopped in a nearby nature preserve, wondering what the next step was.

Suddenly, a bright, pulsating light appeared above me, accompanied by mechanical whirring. I squinted up at the strange disc-shaped object.

“We congratulate you on your nomination,” said an alien-sounding voice as I was drawn up towards the hovering craft. “Your human life is in the past now. But do not worry, Mr. DownToBuck. You will find the internet up here much suited to your needs.”

I felt my soul undergo a transformation, and it was then I knew that the ascendancy was complete.

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