When the Hawks were up 29-11 in the first quarter against the Celtics, I was ready to drink the soothing nectar of Celtics fan tears. To get blown out so thoroughly by a team that is usually the one getting blown out would not only shatter the faith that Celtics fans had in their team, but cause them to secrete salty liquid from their tear ducts in large quantities.
I had even gone so far as to get my tear-harvesting machinery ready for deployment. It’s basically a pair of goggles with tubes that run into a reservoir of tears. If a Celtics fan is crying, I just strap the goggles on and then tell them “you paid Marcus Smart fifty million dollars to hustle and suck at shooting” and then the tears start flowing with extra vigor. Then I can do whatever I want with the tears. Usually I drink them, but if I get enough of them, I’ll bathe in them too. Or baptize myself with them. When you’ve got literal gallons of tears at your disposal, the possibilities are limitless.
But the Hawks ended up losing, so my tear-harvesting machinery had to get stuffed into the closet and the only thing I got out of the whole experience was Kevin Huerter scoring seventeen points and diming up five of his teammates. What a disappointment.