Tyus Jones 16 Points/6 Assists Full Highlights (2/20/2020)

I’m still wracked by guilt over the fact that Tyus Jones’ impressive debut for the ‘Zlies – 15 points, 7 assists – came and went without receiving a highlight video from DTB (an acronym which, I have now come to understand, stands for Disrespects Tyus’ Ballerness). Every day, and especially every night, the thoughts of this unmade video torment me.

I have tried every normal method of penance: I have uploaded further Tyus Jones highlight videos. I have begged my subscribers for forgiveness. I have repeatedly tweeted at Jones himself as well as people who have the same last name as him since they are probably family members, pleading with them to reassure me that it “wasn’t a big deal” (even though it clearly is). I have prayed to not only the Judeo-Christian God with a capital G, but every other god I found listed on Wikipedia. I even made up a god called the “Deity of Tyus Jones Highlight Videos Forgiveness” and prayed to that one too, but the DOTJHVF responded only with a cosmic silence which weighed heavier on my soul than if I had never prayed at all.

When will my misery come to an end? Only with my final dying breath? Or will my misery continue even after my mortal life has drawn to a close? Do I deserve a more lenient sentence than that? I suspect I do not.

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