“Dear Glenn and Alec,
Hope things are going well in Philadelphia! It’s really different without you guys in the locker room. I don’t know if you heard, but we got Andrew Wiggins, who is super chill and always has a bunch of bags of Doritos with him at all times. Not that I’m accusing you of not sharing your snacks while you were here. You were always generous with your snacks. It’s just, like, Wiggs always has Doritos. Always. It’s sweet.
I just wanted to say thank you for getting traded so that I could get more minutes. I know you guys didn’t, like, demand trades or anything, but it’s been really good for me to have two guys who play my position all of a sudden go from thirty minutes a game to zero minutes a game. Coach is giving me all I can handle right now, and I have to say, I’m handling it. I’m handling the HECK out of it. And that’s all thanks to you two getting shipped off to a contender.
Except Philadelphia isn’t really a contender because you have Al Horford being useless overpaid trash and Ben Simmons afraid to shoot jumpers and Joel Embiid being all inconsistent and your fans boo you all the time for sucking. I’d rather be here in the Bay where I can bang Steph’s sister all day and hang out with Mr. Doritos.
I guess that’s it. See you on the road!
-Damion”