Ja Morant is a young guy with a lot of money in a big (but not too big) city. Even though he has a squeaky-clean public image, aside from a beef with noted worthless pile of garbage Andre Iguodala, you just know that he’s getting up to some stuff that he would rather the media not know about. Unsavory stuff. Shady stuff. Stuff that happens under the protective dark shroud of the night, at hours when the honorable citizens of the city are asleep in their beds, and only the dishonorable and the devious are prowling about…
You can imagine what I’m talking about. I shouldn’t have to spell it out for you. But, for the naive and innocent members of my viewership, I will describe Morant’s insidious exploits for your benefit.
Ja Morant is plundering BBQ restaurants across the city of Memphis. Sometimes multiple times a week. Always leaving at least a fifty-dollar tip for whatever unfortunate waitress has to be at the beck and call of his infamous appetite for all manner of barbecued meats.
He’s just doing what any young man given their first taste of absolute freedom would do. I’m not judging him. At that age, I would behave the same way. But here’s some advice from myself, a veteran consumer of meat products, to Ja, who is a rookie both when it comes to his NBA career and his ability to eat the three-meat platter with five sides: there will always be more BBQ. You don’t have to go all out right now. Hitting up five different restaurants in one evening, sampling the macaroni and cheese from each one, might sound fun now, but it will catch up to you if you don’t get it under control. My tummy is still distended from one unforgettable night in Kansas City.
The media would have a field day if they knew of Morant’s insatiable appetite for not only Memphis-style BBQ, but other regional styles of BBQ as well. One day, one of those friendly-seeming restaurant proprietors will let slip that Morant is a regular midnight customer. He’s gotta be ready to deal with the fallout when that happens. No rack of pork ribs, no matter how delectable the dry rub, is worth that hit to his reputation.