OFFICIAL REASONS THAT MICHAEL PORTER JR. DIDN’T AVERAGE 15 PPG THIS SEASON POWER RANKINGS
1. Paul Millsap
Paul Millsap ruined the Nuggets with the combination of his huge contract, his athletic decline, his statistical impotence, his skillset reduncancy with other members of the Nuggets roster, and with his overall ruinistic tendencies. And not only did he ruin the Nuggets, but he ruined Michael Porter Jr.’s rookie season by sucking up minutes at the power forward position that MPJ could have used. It remains to be seen if this year’s postseason actually happens, but if it does, you can bet that Paul Millsap will ruin it by taking all of MPJ’s minutes and just in general being a team-ruiner whom nobody likes.
2. Mike Malone
Mike Malone talked a big game about giving MPJ a larger role once MPJ had demonstrated that he was an NBA-ready scorer right off the bat, but that’s all it was: talk. Intruders into Malone’s office (which was laughably ill-defended) would find a large whiteboard where he had scrawled the words “PLEASE TRADE MICHAEL PORTER JR. BECAUSE I HATE HIM AND DON’T WANT TO GIVE HIM MINUTES ANYMORE.” Also, Malone’s internet history had Bing searches for “Michael Porter Jr. trade market”, “Can I give Paul Millsap fifty minutes per game”, and “pictures of nikola jokic with no shirt on”. Always use private windows, kids. And don’t use Bing. DuckDuckGo is perfectly capable of giving you shirtless Nikola Jokic pics.
3. His Back
Michael Porter Jr.’s back, an injury to which caused him to miss most of his collge career, is fine now, but the looming specter of re-injury will always loom over him, causing him to be just slightly more tentative on the court than he would be normally. In light of this, all humans should immediately de-evolve to quadrupedalism so that back injuries become a thing of the past.
4. Trae Young’s Hair
MPJ was distracted by the tragic catastrophe of his friend Trae Young’s hair and therefore couldn’t always stay focused in game. If you watched him closely during possessions, you would see lapses in his concentration where it was obvious that he was thinking about Trae Young’s patchy goblin hair. MPJ is constantly trying to balance “being a supportive friend” with “being honest about the harsh reality of balding” and it’s clearly taxing his mental health.
Theoretically, MPJ could have bumped up his scoring to 15 PPG if the coronavirus hadn’t stopped the season in its tracks. It would have taken a lot of 30-point games and maybe some 40- or 50-point games, but once you watch this video you’ll agree that MPJ’s scoring abilities are unlimited.
6. Denver Nuggets Fans
If Nuggets fans cheered louder, MPJ would score more points. This has been verified by many science people at many different institutions of higher learning. Shame on you, Nuggets fans. The noise-o-meter displayed on the Jumbotron during breaks in play is there for a reason.
7. Bol Bol
As far as I can tell, Bol Bol has not once, NOT ONCE, sent MPJ a supportive text message. I would let this slide, but it is apparent through my investigations that Bol Bol also is not even following MPJ on Twitter.
8. Opposing Defenders
Basketball is called basketball for a reason, and it’s the same reason why it’s not called defenseball. So I have no idea why opposing teams were trying to prevent MPJ from scoring. The NBA should have stepped in.
9. His Parents
The 15q15 gene has an established connection to being able to score 15 PPG in the NBA, but MPJ didn’t get that gene from either of his parents. Thanks a lot, mom and dad. Should have moved to Chernobyl to induce mutations.
9001. Nikola Jokic
Jokic can pass. MPJ can score. It’s a match made in heaven. If the Nuggets had just those two guys and nobody else, I’m predicting 65 wins and a Finals berth at the very least.
9002. Michael Porter Jr.
MPJ himself is totally blameless here. He did everything right and was the perfect player for today’s NBA, but forces outside his control conspired to prevent him from scoring 15 PPG per game. If he demanded a trade to the Bucks in order to separate himself from these outside forces, that would be totally okay.
From MPJ’s first game in the league, DownToBuck has been his offical-in-every-way-except-being-actually-official highlights representative on YouTube. My well-edited MPJ highlights packages ensured that fan awareness of him was at the levels it needed to be at. Think about a world where my videos didn’t exist. MPJ would get five minutes a game because nobody would be able to tell how good he actually was. Only a fool would be able to willfully ignore the video evidence of MPJ’s on-court dominance, but the Nuggets’ front office is full of fools, unsurprisingly. Either that or they haven’t subscribed to my channel yet. Come on, idiots! Subscribe!