Now is a perfect time to give a shout-out to all the Laker fans out there for giving my channel’s view counts a huge boost in the immediate aftermath of Markieff Morris getting acquired by the Lakers. Those videos of Markieff Morris playing for the Pistons were totally dead in the water from a view count perspective Then, by some glorious accident of fate, Laker fans came and rescued those videos out of the water, resuscitated them with expertly-administered CPR, wrapped them in a comfy blanket, and took them back into a police car to drink hot chocolate with marshmallows. The end result? There’s a frickin’ Markieff Morris video on my channel that has 41k views.
That got me thinking: how many views would those videos have if Morris hadn’t been waived by the Pistons and subsequently picked up by the Lakers? One way to answer that question would be to use YouTube’s analytics tools to determine how many views those videos had accumulated up to the point of Morris’ waivement, and extrapolate numbers from there. But that’s way too complicated and I don’t even know if YouTube’s data tools are that granular.
Instead, I used my god-given powers of dimensional sorcery and chronomancy to grant myself a forbidden glimpse into the alternate dimension where Morris had never landed on the Lakers. In this dimension, Morris played the rest of his career for a Pistons team that, from 2020 to 2030, only won more than thirty games one time, and had zero playoff appearances. In that span, Morris averaged 9 PPG per game in 23 MPG per game.
And you know what I found out while I was flagrantly sidestepping the solid walls of ylem which are in place to prevent rogue consciousnesses (such as mine) from peering into dimensions to which they do not belong? All those Markieff Morris videos I made for his Pistons stint had between zero and eighteen views. Total. After a whole decade of being on YouTube. Eighteen views was the maximum. Eighteen views and a like.
That’s how irrelevant Morris was until he joined the Big Two of LeBron and Anthony Davis to make a Big Two Plus Markieff Morris Who Is Not Part Of The Big Two. In the parallel reality where he remained on the Pistons, the only people viewing his videos were people who were searching “NBA higlhgits” [sic] and navigating to page 1700 of the search results. I feel bad for all those chumps who are stuck in that crappy reality while our awesome reality has Markieff Morris playing important minutes in the Finals and unironically being a better shooter than Danny Green and KCP combined.
P.S. If you have a request for which alternate dimension I should visit next, for example if you want to know how many championships Len Bias would have won with the Celtics had he not died, you must donate $100 to my Patreon. $200 if you want me to physically alter any matter in that dimension, with a subcharge of one cent per altered molecule.