Every NBA Player’s First Field Goal This Season (2019-20 Season Full-ilation Part IV)


Part four. Year after year, this part is consistently my favorite out of all the parts. In five years you’ll be able to go back and watch this video and only be able to remember ten of the players. That is the true beauty of Part IV. Enjoy.

0:08 My third-grade math tells me that the Warriors are getting BTFO by 41 points here.

0:36 I wish every MKG jumper got blocked.

0:41 At that score, Wenyen Gabriel can do whatever he wants on the court and it won’t be worse than whatever his teammates were doing on the court for the first two and a half quarters.

0:46 Iman Shumpert was in the league?

1:14 Johnathan Williams is like a budget Christian Wood. This is an original thought that I just came up with five seconds ago. If The Athletic needs a new columnist, they know where to find me.

1:26 “Jefferson and Frazier play a two-man game” is the most magical phrase ever. I don’t know which Jefferson and which Frazier they’re talking about, but it’s still magical.

1:47 If you think Bol Bol being tall is the most hilarious thing ever, just wait until we get to Tacko Fall.

1:51 Ah, the good old days when the Rockets used traditional centers and still had James Harden.

1:58 It’s not cool to make fun of other cultures, but this dude’s name looks like Japurri took a nap on my keyboard.

2:06 If you squint, you can pretend Shane Larkin is still in the league. I think I’ll just keep squinting forever.

2:14 Aw, I was hoping the Pacers commentators would tell us how to pronounce “Alize”. I’m going with ah-LEEZE.

2:27 Another name that looks like a typo, except it’s less of a “Japurri taking a nap” typo and more of a “Japurri walking across my desk” typo.


2:35 Rookie of the year? If you say so.

3:01 Don’t worry, B.J. Johnson went to the same high school as Kobe, which means he gets to take this shot.

3:05 This bootleg Dwyane Wade is so bootleg that his skin isn’t even the right color.

3:18 Andre Roberson with his first bucket in, like, three whole years. Is that a world record for duration of a single injury?

3:34 We have officially gotten to the part of the video where I no longer recognize many of the players being depicted. I don’t blame you if you thought this was Josh Huestis.

3:38 “JR Smith”? Heh, the NBA is just making up players now.

3:46 If I was an end-of-bench rookie about to score my first bucket, I’d be pissed off if somebody decided to goaltend it. It’s like, what if I never get a chance to score another bucket?

3:58 Nobody knew who Vlatko Cancar was until he started showing up in those Bubble pics of all the Balkan players hanging out.

4:07 Donta Hall and Devon Hall are not the same person. Nor are Devon Hall and Kevin Hervey the same person. These are the lies I tell myself to maintain my sanity.

4:25 The Pistons are pulling all of these scrubs out of thin air but I don’t want these scrubs. I WANT KHYRI THOMAS. (and Jon Leuer)

4:32 Somebody check the backboard for dents.

4:37 These are NOT Josh Magette’s first NBA points. Do not allow yourself to be led astray by these silver-tongued deceivers. Josh Magette has had a long and productive NBA career before this season.

4:46 Putting Justin Robinson and Jerome Robinson on the same team was the dumbest idea ever.


5:02 If Quinndary Weatherspoon ever gets a quintuple-double, we can call it the “Quinntuple-Double”. Looking forward to it.

5:24 Without knowing anything about Dusty Hannahs other than his name, you can state with 100% certainty that he wears a headband.

5:32 Not a free-throw line dunk. Sad.

5:42 Justin Patton has had so many foot injuries at this point that he’s basically running around in shoes filled with nothing but mashed potatoes and loose toenails.

5:49 Whenever I saw this dude on the bench during Pacers games, I thought he was Alize Johnson. My bad.

6:27 “That’s what he brings to the Rockets offense”…Well, Ryno only made two shots all season, so technically, this three-pointer is 50% of what he brought to the Rockets’ offense all season.

6:35 Should’ve retired after that 50-burger, bro.

6:44 This bucket is so tragic. I can’t watch it.

7:00 At this point in the video, you’re watching dudes who only had a single bucket all season. The last forty seconds of Part IV are like a rapid-fire series of full season highlights for these guys.

7:18 The only chance all season that Eric Reid had to say “Macon it rain,” and he blew it. Absolutely blew it.

7:32 Finally. Yes! Wait. THAT’S NOT JON LEUER

We can’t let this video end without acknowledging the players who appeared in regular-season NBA contests yet failed to convert on a field goal attempt. Marques Bolden, Joe Chealey, William Howard, Stanton Kidd, J.P. Macura, Malik Newman, Chasson Randle, Isaiah Roby, your contributions to the sport we love will never be forgotten. Because those contributions never existed at all.

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