https://youtu.be/TOHuCUu63HY
I might have semi-retired from making NBA highlights, but I am absolutely NOT retired in many of my other major life projects. In fact, with less time being sunk into content creation for YouTube, I can devote more of my energies to something that has been an obsession of mine for years now, namely, acquiring a real life wallaby from Australia and having it live with me as my pet.
As far as I’m concerned, the fact that I don’t yet have a wallaby in my possession is at least 80% Joe Ingles’ fault. Australian citizens such as him have priority access to the vast wallaby reserves that the countrinent of Australia keeps locked away in its inhospitable interior. At any time, he could drive a go kart or other small motorized vehicle into the outback, pluck a wallaby off the ground, and then have it shipped to me in a box. Not only that, but Joe Ingles is probably a top ten most prominent Australian in the world (I can’t even name any Australians that aren’t NBA players other than Steve Irwin, and he’s dead), so if there are rules about putting a wallaby in a box and shipping it to America, he would be able to circumvent those rules.
I mean, it would be more like a crate than a box. Obviously Mr. Wallaby needs some space to hop around while he makes the transcontinental journey to his new home in America. You could even put two wallabies in the box so they can keep each other company.
The wallaby-acquisiton process for an American citizen such as myself is much more onerous, bordering on impossible. The Australian military will be happy to arrest you if you “trespass” on their “military base” looking for wild wallaby clans. Then you end up as the focus of an international legal battle where your lawyers mock you at every turn for your “naive” view of geopolitics. It’s like, you’re my lawyer you dumbass, you should be able to get me off the hook even if I spent four hours in international court testimonying about my pure hatred for Tim Tams, which are objectively the worst snack food ever perpetrated upon humankind.
Show me the part in the Geneva Convention where it says I can’t go to Australia to find a wallaby to take home with me. I’ll wait. Who’s naive about the intricacies of geopolitics now, huh?
So, the long story short is, I still don’t have a wallaby, and the Australian military shot the tires out of the go kart that I paid for with my money (real American money mind you, not fake Australian money), and this is mostly Joe Ingles’ fault because he could solve all my problems RIGHT NOW if he wanted to.
All I want is a god damn FRICKIN wallaby. God damn it.