Thunder: Reggie Jackson. Brings scoring off the bench and is perhaps even more inclined to shoot than Westbrick.
Spurs: Gary Neal. Ever since being visited by the spirit of Stephen Jackson, is motivated to shoot a lot and bring Duncan his fifth ring.
Nuggets: Evan Fournier. Always brings the flakiest croissants.
Clippers: Grant Hill. Never underestimate the power of an extremely old NBA player.
Grizzlies: Darrell Arthur. They removed him from the rotation to rest him for the playoffs. His already-wet midrange J is now, somehow, wetter.
Warriors: Stephen Curry. Not really a secret, but he’s pretty good at shooting the three-ball.
Lakers: Kobe Bryant. His lifeless corpse, propped up on the bench, will provide motivation for other Lakers not to get injured.
Rockets: James Harden. The refs are planning to call a foul every time somebody in the stands looks at his beard.
EASTERN CONFERENCE
Heat: Norris Cole. His flat-top will distract even the most focused player.
Knicks: J.R. Smith. Inside sources tell me that the Knicks plan to have him shoot 40 times a game.
Pacers: Gerald Green. I have a grainy practice video of him dunking from the three-point line, a skill that would obviously be a huge advantage for the Pacers.
Nets: Mirza Teletovic. If I didn’t bring him up here, the Bosnian contingent of my audience would probably have me snuffed out by the Bosnian mafia.
Bulls: Jimmy Butler. Gets buckets.
Hawks: Dahntay Jones. Very good at injuring opposing team’s best player.
Celtics: Avery Bradley. According to C’s fans, he’s DPOY, and also league MVP and President of the Universe.
Bucks: Marquis Daniels. Since he’s a member of the Bloods, he will kill any Crips on the opposing team. Literally.