Patty Mills, driving home from another successful practice, looked around curiously. He had been diverted from his normal route home by detours, and was traveling through a commercial area that he had never had occasion to visit.
Suddenly, a large sign ahead grabbed all of his attention. It read: “BED BATH & BEYOND”
Unable to resist the primal urge of his upbringing, he pulled into the parking lot and got out of his car. Walking into the store, he tried to play it cool by putting his hands in his pockets and whistling, but in his chest his heart was beating faster than he could ever remember.
A worker approached him, wearing the fake smile that all retail workers are forced to deploy when interacting with a customer. “Is there anything I can help you find today?” she asked.
“Nah, I’m good, thanks,” Patty answered, successfully keeping his wits about him. “I’ll let you know if I need anything.”
Visibly relieved to be dismissed, the employee left him to his browsing. Patty tried not to show too much urgency as he sauntered through sections of housewares, cutlery and bedding. Keeping one eye on the locations of the few employees working at this off hour, he finally reached the part of the store that was his current goal, and in fact, had been his goal ever since he had been conceived in the womb.
Towels.
Casting furtive glances to the left, right, and above, he saw nothing to impede him other than a few (likely fake) black security-camera bubbles. Withdrawing to the innermost part of the section, concealed by many rows of shelves, he grabbed a soft, lavender-colored towel. Waving it experimentally through the air, he grinned like a child. This one was characterized by pleasing aerodynamics, much better than the sweat-towels that were provided on the Spurs bench.
Dropping the towel on the floor and feeling the telltale signs of arousal, he went on to the next: a pure white towel made for the singular purpose of drying hair. This one was not as pleasant to the touch, but provided a satisfying “CRACK!” when whipped with force. Patty was careful not to overdo his testing, however, as the noise he was making could easily attract the attention of a Bed Bath & Beyond employee.
In the span of minutes, Patty had tried nearly every variety of towel they sold. The section was in complete disarray, with stray merchandise being strewn about on the floor and upon the shelves.
As he cast a green terrycloth towel through the air and danced a mock sideline jig, there came a voice from behind him.
“What are you doing with the towels, sir?”
Patty froze. He had been found. There were two options: stay and attempt to explain himself, or run.
He picked the latter.
Utilizing the speed that made him such an effective NBA player, he darted past the dumbstruck middle-aged woman. Turning his head as he ran, he shouted back, “Nothing! I wasn’t doing nothing!” Formulating plans to dodge other workers who would doubtlessly be working to stop his exit from the store, instead he found that his path out the door was unobstructed, save for a few bewildered customers.
Back in his car, he took a few deep breaths. Nobody was chasing after him. He got out his phone and looked up other San Antonio locations for the store. Finding one only ten miles away, he drove out of the parking lot and back on the road.
Thus began the saga of what the San Antonio media has dubbed the “Bed Bath & Beyond Bandit”.