Okay. I gotta say something here. Something straight from the heart. And if you don’t like it, go ahead and revoke your Patreon donation (you are donating to my Patreon, aren’t you?):
This “Cheese” nickname for Chris Chiozza needs to stop. Right now.
As one of the world’s foremost experts on NBA player nicknames, both in evaluating existing nicknames and fashioning new ones out of nothing but my own vast reserves of creativity, there is nobody else in the world more qualified to make this pronouncement. That’s why I’m pronouncementing it.
I mean come on. The only way you get “Cheese” out of Chiozza’s name is if you mispronounce it. And he’s not even that good of a player so the concept of “Cheese” (with its connotations of dominating a video game through devious means) doesn’t apply to him. The Brooklyn Nets commentators, ALL OF THEM, are trying to make this “Cheese” thing happen and it’s just not happening. At all. It was mildly clever for maybe one game, and then they ran it into the ground, and now it’s ruined forever, if it wasn’t ruined from the very beginning. Even the guy who’s commentating this game, I don’t know who he is at all and I’m pretty sure I’ve never heard him commentate a game before, is in on the conspiracy.
Listen, I’m from Wisconsin. I know all about cheese. I LOVE cheese. When people from other parts of the world try to talk to me about cheese or namedrop what they think are obscure cheeses, I secretly laugh at them. And then I laugh at them in their face. Because nobody can out-cheese me. I am the cheese master.
Being an expert in both cheese and in NBA player nicknames entitles me to make this declaration. Nobody else is so qualified. Chris Chiozza’s nickname is OFFICIALLY NOT “Cheese”. Starting now.