“Hey Nik, I need some advice. Bad.”
Nikola Jokic looked down at his shorter teammate, Gary Harris. “Of course, Gary. I will happy to give advices to you.”
“You and Jusuf are always hanging around with chicks all the time, but I just can’t figure out how you guys do it. It’s like I try to talk to a girl and I freeze up and then I never get any action. Like, ever.”
“It is easy my smaller American friend,” Nikola said. “You must treating girl with respects even though you are millionaire sports figure and can be asshole to her. The money combined with respectings her equals lots of fun times in the bedroom, haha!”
Gary made a face. “I don’t care about any of that stuff. I’m done trying to use my own inadequate personality to attract females to me. It’s just never going to work and I’ve made peace with it. I just wanted to ask you if you could hook me up with a Russian mail-order bride.”
Raising his eyebrows, Nikola replied, “I am Serb, not Russian. I knowing nothing about Russia brides to order.”
“Man, what’s the difference, Serbia, Russia, it’s all the same over there, gross-looking apartment blocks filled with depressed alcoholics. Does Serbia have mail-order brides? Are they hot? Are Serb girls hot?”
“Yes, Serb girls are very pretty, but I know of no such services,” Nikola answered. “But you have reasonably attractive face and your body is much desire to woman, no gay in my talking, just saying, you not need to pay for woman from impoverished second-world European country to pretend to love you and give you sexings.”
Gary kicked a nearby trashcan in frustration. “You know, Nik, you’re not being very helpful right now. I already told you that I have no interest in the courtship of females from my own country. What I really need is to be able to pay a sizable portion of my sizable paycheck in order to have guaranteed female companionship for the rest of my life with no strings attached.”
Nikola got out his phone. “Since I am friend of Gary, I gives phone number of Timofey Mozgov. He is real Russian unlike me. He help you get woman.”
“There, that’s exactly what I’m talking about,” Gary said happily. “You’re the best. I’m calling this dude up right now.”
Nikola sighed, shrugged his shoulders, and walked away. Behind him, he could hear Gary start, “Yo Timofey, can you hook me up with some hot Russian chick and mail her to America for me?”