Since I wore myself out writing some other descriptions tonight, I present to you my latest low-effort drivel disguised as semi-serious journalism: OFFICIAL FAMILY-FRIENDLY EUPHEMISMS FOR SERGE IBAKA’S “THINGY” POWER RANKINGS: 1. “Thingy” 2. “Pants Python” 3. “Sweatpants Snake” 4. “The Congolese Crusher” 5. “(Not-So-)Little Serge” 6. “The Pipe” 7. “Meat” [POWER GAP] 9001. “Cockle-Doodle-Doo”…
Read MoreAuthor: downtobuck
Devonte’ Graham 27 Points/10 Assists Full Highlights (3/9/2020)
OFFICIAL DTB DISCLAIMER: Devonte’ Graham took 26 shots to score his 27 points in this game. He was barely, just barely, on the correct end of that equation by having more points than shots attempted. The other side of that equation is where NBA players should dare never venture (although Graham has ventured there many…
Read MoreTerry Rozier Career High 40 Points/8 Threes Full Highlights (3/9/2020)
Terry Rozier opened his eyes, then squinted them shut again. There was sunlight shining in his face, which always annoyed him when he was trying to capture those last few elusive minutes of sleep. However, he soon opened his eyes again, because there was no reason why there would be sun in his eyes. Every…
Read MoreCaleb Martin 23 Points Full Highlights (3/9/2020)
I’m struggling to keep the Martins straight right now. Which one is supposed to be the “good” one and which one is supposed to be the “defensive specialist” one? I thought that Caleb Martin was the “defensive specialist” one but he’s the guy who scored 23 points tonight. Meanwhile, “good” Cody Martin only scored 11….
Read MoreCam Reddish 22 Points Full Highlights (3/9/2020)
Remember how Paul George was really butthurt that one time when he didn’t get to take the last shot in some important playoff game? “I gotta get the last shot” he said. His butt was so inflamed from pain that no amount of extra-strong opiates could soothe it. His hatred for C.J. Miles was palpable…
Read MoreJoe Ingles 20 Points/6 Assists Full Highlights (3/8/2020)
His the decision to bring Joe Ingles off the bench completely ruined him? Using my advanced abilities to look at the “splits” section of basketball-reference, I have come to an educated and informed answer to this question. And the answer is “yes”. Ingles has started in 37 games for the Jazz this season and come…
Read MoreBryn Forbes 19 Points Full Highlights (3/8/2020)
If Spurs fans are to be believed, then the reason that Spurs are so disappointing this season is that Bryn Forbes literally does not play any defense at all, at any point, ever. No matter who he is supposed to be guarding, he just doesn’t stop them. No resistance at all. They do whatever they…
Read MoreJeff Green 18 Points Full Highlights (3/8/2020)
Lames Hardon this game: a lame 6-of-19 from the field, a hardon-sucking 3-of-10 from three, 23 points, directly leading his team to an embarrassing loss to the Orlando Magic. Chucksell Statpadbrook this game: 9-of-19 from the field, 24 points, 8 turnovers, innumerable shots chucked, unstoppable padding of stats. Thaboner Sefoloshit this game: No stats except…
Read MoreLarry Nance Jr. 19 Points Full Highlights (3/8/2020)
New idea for timeout entertainment during Cavaliers games at the Rocket Mortgage Fieldhouse: The Nance Cam! That’s it. That’s the extent of my idea. It’s basically the “Dance Cam”, a concept which is so popular that I’m not aware of any professional team (in any sport) that doesn’t use it, but it’s Larry Nance Jr.-themed….
Read MoreChristian Wood 22 Points Full Highlights (3/8/2020)
Christian Wood continues his aptly-named “Demolition Tour ’20” with another demolition of yet another team, this time the New York Knickers. His teammates failed to step up and the Pistons only scored 84 points in their loss to the inferior New York team, but I don’t think that minimizes the quality of this demolition. In…
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