The aftermath of my nighttime zoo excursion with Buddy, my 12-foot-tall sentient naked purple 3D-printed purple plastic statue of Buddy Hield, that had the stated goal of petting the cute goats but ended with Buddy killing five different dudes, was overall easy to deal with. That’s because I adopted an “I did nothing wrong” mantra,…
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Luke Kornet 19 Points Full Highlights (1/1/2019)
Luke “The Korndog” Kornet continues to make certain other Turkish centers on the Knicks obsolete by being an elite three-point threat. Sure, his rebounding is absolutely pathetic compared to Kanter, and his presence inside is practically non-existent, but he’s probably at least on par with Kanter on the defensive end so it’s just a matter…
Read MoreJusuf Nurkic 5 by 5 (24 Pts, 23 Rebs, 7 Asts, 5 Stls, 5 Blks) Full Highlights (1/1/2019)
“Yo, is something up with Jusuf?” asked Evan Turner to Meyers Leonard in the locker room before the game. He stood in front of Jusuf and waved his arms, but there was no reaction from the seven-foot Bosnian, who was staring straight ahead with a vacant look in his eyes. “He’s getting in the zone,”…
Read MoreNikola Jokic Triple Double 19 Pts/14 Rebs/15 Asts Full Highlights (1/1/2019)
Nikola Jokic just set back Serbo-Turk relations a couple centuries with the way he abused Enes Kanter tonight. I feel like I should double-check my historical facts to see if the Ottoman Empire ever abused Serbia or if Serbia ever abused the Ottomans or if they were even enemies at all or if they had…
Read MoreSeth Curry 18 Points Full Highlights (1/1/2019)
The commentators in this game brought up an interesting factoid (one could even call it a “fun fact”): in 149 (now 150) career games, Seth Curry has not dunked it even one time. He’s only 6’2″ and he’s never had a reputation for being a supreme athletic specimen, but still. He’s an NBA player and…
Read MoreBrook Lopez 25 Points/7 Threes Full Highlights (1/1/2019)
In honor of Brook Lopez’ 25-point performance being my first vid of the new year, let’s take a look at the first vid of all the other years I’ve been assembling these cursed highlight packages. 2013: Carmelo Anthony 45 Points. I don’t know what I was thinking with this one. Obviously, at this point, Anthony…
Read MoreMyles Turner 20 Points/4 Blocks Full Highlights (12/31/2018)
Myles Turner is right there in the running with D.J. Wilson for the “Player Who Most Looks Like a Roided-Out WNBA Player” (PWMLLAROWP) award. Both of them have the “ponytail high up on the head” thing which is a common look in the WNBA. However, Wilson loses points because he has facial hair. I could…
Read MoreNerlens Noel 15 Points Full Highlights (12/31/2018)
It’s really hard to argue in favor of more minutes for Nerlens Noel, given that Steven Adams has a stranglehold on the center position in OKC and is having a great season. However, I would like to offer the following counterpoint: Nerlens Noel should be getting more minutes. That’s not really a counterpoint, but that’s…
Read MoreGerald Green 18 Points/6 Threes Full Highlights (12/31/2018)
OFFICIAL GREENHOUSE STATUS UPDATE: (reminder: “Greenhouse” is my nickname for the sweet-shooting, mega-dunking tandem of Gerald Green and Danuel House) The Green part of the Greenhouse scored eighteen points on six-of-eleven three-pointers. He didn’t have any dunks, but his three-pointers were definitely of the “sick” variety. No stand-still catch-and-shoots here. The House part of the…
Read MoreDanuel House 16 Points Full Highlights (12/31/2018)
Seeing the name Danuel House reminds me of his nickname, “House Party”, and the concept of a house party serves as a neat transition into the real meat of this video description, which will describe how the events of New Year’s Eve unfolded in the DTB household. Sorry Danuel. You’re getting ignored from here on…
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