Jonas Valanciunas realized that he was lying on his back in the grass. Since this was not where he expected to be after having just finished playing in an NBA game, he didn’t yet open his eyes. Instead, he thought about what might have led him to this situation. Had he gotten blisteringly drunk and…
Read MoreTag: Jonas Valanciunas
Jonas Valanciunas 27 Points Full Highlights (3/27/2019)
Jonas Valanciunas’ 25 field goal attempts in this game easily surpasses his previous career-high of twenty attempts. That’s an increase of either 20% or 25% over his previous record, depending on whether you trust “DTB Math” or you trust “Math Done By People Who Know How To Do Math” (hint: DTB Math is more likely…
Read MoreJonas Valanciunas 20 Points/3 Blocks Full Highlights (3/23/2019)
I don’t care if he “impacts winning” or “defends” or whatever other apologetic (not the “sorry” kind of apologetic but the “theology” kind of apologetic) crud Raptors fans want to spew in my face, but Marc Gasol just isn’t impressing me as much as Jonas Valanciunas now that they’ve switched teams. Their roles are different,…
Read MoreJonas Valanciunas 23 Points/24 Rebounds/4 Blocks Full Highlights (3/22/2019)
Here’s a question for you: how many 20-20 games have there been in the NBA this season? I’m talking 20 points and 20 rebounds here, because I know for a fact that no one has gotten 20 assists. I, apparently, have a totally warped idea of how many such games have been occurring. Warped in…
Read MoreJonas Valanciunas Career High 33 Points/1 Game-Winning Missed Free Throw Full Highlights (3/20/2019)
It was easy, too easy, for Jonas Valanciunas to gain entry into the dim office building. A janitor had been outside taking his smoke break, and a quick five-thousand-dollar payment had gotten Jonas in through the building’s loading dock without difficulty. Now, Jonas prowled through the halls, the layout of which were familiar to him,…
Read MoreJonas Valanciunas 22 Points/5 Dunks Full Highlights (3/16/2019)
It took me a while to figure out what the Memphis commentators were saying after Jonas Valanciunas’s numerous dunks in this game. Sounded like “yaga” to me, that wasn’t the hard part. I figured they weren’t just saying nonsense syllables, so my first guess was that they were saying something in Lithuanian. I tried a…
Read MoreJonas Valanciunas 27 Points Full Highlights (3/8/2019)
It seems like every game, the gulf between Jonas Valanciunas and Marc Gasol grows wider. Tonight, the young, spry, active, attractive Lithuanian Valanciunas had a season-high 27 points. The slow, elderly, lumpy Spaniard Marc Gasol had a season-low four points. I recommend that all viewers take a moment right now to laugh heartily at the…
Read MoreJonas Valanciunas 20 Points Full Highlights (3/2/2019)
Watching Jonas Valanciunas execute moves in the low post is cool, but it’s also a somewhat agonizing experience because all it does is remind me how Donatas Motiejunas isn’t even in the league right now. No offence to Valanciunas, but Motiejunas’ post moves were a Picasso painting compared to Valanciunas’ preschool fingerpaintings. To be fair,…
Read MoreJonas Valanciunas 20 Points Full Highlights (2/25/2019)
The path forward for the Grizzlies has now been made clear. As a dense morning fog lifts to reveal a snow-covered, serenity-steeped landscape, as the nighttime clouds part to reveal a fully-shining moon previously only hinted at by beams of light poking through the cloudcover, as a heavy fall shower rinses away the dust and…
Read MoreJonas Valanciunas 25 Points Full Highlights (2/23/2019)
OFFICIAL THINGS THAT JONAS VALANCIUNAS DOES THAT MARC GASOL DOESN’T DO POWER RANKINGS 1. Be Lithuanian 2. Score efficiently 3. Have a cool haircut 4. Get marginalized by coaches for his entire career 5. Watch torrented Lithuanian television series while snuggling with his cat Arvydas 6. Dunk the ball (I’m pretty sure Marc can’t jump…
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