Nicolas “I Hate Juan Carlos Navarro” Batum is an example of what happens when a young, raw player actually develops. But, for every Nicolas Batum, there are ten Hassan Whitesides left behind, forced to seek employment overseas. The Blazers lucked out this time, and their prospect turned out to be a high-quality starter who is…
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Robin Lopez 17 Points/4 Blocks Full Highlights (4/30/2014)
I would pay so much money just to have five seconds alone with Robin Lopez’s afro. I would commit wholly lewd and inappropriate acts with that thing. It just looks so fluffy and soft, like a cute little bunny, but it’s also simmering with eroticism, like a cheap hooker. If I even grazed my finger…
Read MoreWesley Matthews 27 Points/5 Threes/3 Blocks Full Highlights (4/30/2014)
Adam Silver paced his office frantically. A few high-ranking NBA executives sat in the office with him, glancing at each other uneasily. “We have to do something to distract the viewers from the Sterling debacle.” Silver finally pronounced, continuing to tread the same path between his desk and the window. “Something bold, but not too…
Read MoreMo Williams 17 Points Full Highlights (4/25/2014)
Mo Williams @mowilliams Apr 25 hey @KingJames u see how clutch i was in playoffs, i still got it #ripcityswag Mo Williams @mowilliams Apr 25 we shud team up again, like old days @KingJames Mo Williams @mowilliams Apr 25 sup @KingJames Mo Williams @mowilliams Apr 25 what’s up @KingJames Mo Williams @mowilliams Apr 25 @KingJames…
Read MoreDorell Wright 15 Points/3 Blocks/1 Dunk Full Highlights (4/23/2014)
Every time I think about Dorell Wright, I have these depraved thoughts. They are an unwelcome presence, but I cannot dispel them no matter how much mental energy I exert towards the task. It wasn’t a big problem during the regular season, when Dorell was getting minor minutes and had production to match, but now…
Read MoreMo Williams 18 Points Full Highlights (4/13/2014)
Before their matchup with the Warriors, Mo Williams stood alone in the dark locker room. Lifting out a hidden panel that he had cut out of his locker, he revealed the shrine that gave him strength before every home game. On the wall was a collage of pictures featuring him standing alongside his one true…
Read MoreRobin Lopez 20 Points Full Highlights (3/25/2014)
Why don’t you guys like Robin Lopez? Is it because he looks like that guy from The Simpsons? Because that’s a stupid reason to dislike somebody. Really, I expected more from you. Cartoonish hair aside, Lopez has been an unheralded component of the Blazers’ success this year. He’s the perfect center for a team with…
Read MoreRobin Lopez 19 Points/3 Blocks Full Highlights (3/14/2014)
I have been introduced to a new nickname for Robin Lopez. I thought about withholding it from you guys, but then I figured, hey, I’m a generous guy, and I shouldn’t bogart the funny nicknames. Here it is: Fropez. Get it? Because his name is Lopez? And he has an afro? I’m also betting that…
Read MoreWill Barton 20 Points/4 Dunks/4 Assists Full Highlights (2/26/2014)
Will Barton closed his eyes. He knew that he had looked through his mortal eyes for the last time, but the thought did not distress him. There was more waiting for him on the other side of reality’s mirror. The corporeal form of his body was whisked away in an instant, taken by the Star-Reaper…
Read MoreThomas Robinson 14 Points/18 Rebounds/2 Blocks Full Highlights (2/23/2014)
I feel so bad for Corey Brewer’s parents. To watch your son get murdered on live TV must be horrible, but even worse is that the murderer currently walks free. And now, some heartless YouTube user is making a highlight package celebrating the murderer, showcasing his violent tendencies in a positive light. That must be…
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