It’s Valentine’s day. That fact doesn’t matter so much to me, since my steadfast refusal to become involved romantically with women means that I have nobody to celebrate this so-called “holiday” with. However, on this most romantic and cuddly of nights, I start to wonder about my 12-foot-tall 3D-printed sentient naked purple plastic statue of…
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Pascal Siakam Career High 44 Points Full Highlights (2/13/2019)
Pascal Siakam walked into the locker room. It was, as he expected, empty. He had many teammates who would show up early to practice, but none of them showed up four hours early. Leisurely changing into his game jersey, Pascal began his mental preparations for the upcoming game. Without the distractions of teammates, he was…
Read MoreLuka Doncic 28 Points/6 Assists Full Highlights (2/10/2019)
“Hey Dave.” Dave, one of the Dallas Mavericks’ lead nutritionists and the formulator of all the players’ individualized meal plans, looked up from his computer to see Luka Doncic standing in front of his desk. “Hey Luka. It’s cool that a star like you can lower yourself to associate with us commoners,” he joked. “I…
Read MoreKelly Oubre 25 Points Full Highlights (2/8/2019)
“I don’t even want to know what’s going on here,” Tyler Johnson commented as he walked towards his locker, which was right next to Kelly Oubre’s. “No. You definitely don’t,” Kelly replied as he pulled on the ninja outfit that he had ordered online. Once this garment was on his body, he took out several…
Read MoreBobby Portis 30 Points Wizards Debut Full Highlights (2/8/2019)
Bobby Portis walked towards the locker room after the Wizards’ win over the Cavs. He had been delayed by almost half an hour by joyous fans begging him to sign their stuff, and, wanting to make a good impression on his new fanbase, Bobby had obliged. Now he was arriving to the presumably celebratory locker…
Read MoreBruno Caboclo 16 Points Full Highlights (2/7/2019)
Bruno Caboclo walked away from his locker and sat down in an empty chair next to Jaren Jackson’s, a sad expression on his face. “I looked all over the locker room for Marc, but couldn’t find him,” he told his rookie teammate. “I wanted to see if he wanted to hang out tonight and celebrate…
Read MoreTomas Satoransky 16 Points/10 Assists Full Highlights (2/6/2019)
“It was nice playing with you, man,” Tomas Satoransky said to Otto Porter, clasping hands and hugging his teammate who had just gotten traded. “Same,” Otto said. “I’m not gonna miss the locker room drama, though,” he continued with a laugh. “The constant fighting between Brad and John was getting to me.” Right at that…
Read MoreKelly Oubre 23 Points Full Highlights (2/4/2019)
Kelly Oubre approached Devin Booker in the locker room after the game. “Hey Devin, I gotta tell you something.” Devin looked up from his phone. “You’re finally gotta smash that lady in the third row behind the bench who’s been making sexy eyes at you ever since you got traded here?” Kelly blinked once, twice….
Read MoreBuddy Hield 34 Points/7 Threes Full Highlights (2/2/2019)
A week ago, my whole computational situation changed drastically for the better. Buddy, who is a 12-foot-tall 3D-printed purple plastic naked statue of Buddy Hield who has somehow had life breathed into his plasticky body, fashioned a new graphics card for my computer out of spare circuitry I had lying around. This thing chews up…
Read MoreLuka Doncic 35 Points/6 Assists Full Highlights (2/2/2019)
Luka Doncic paced impatiently in the hallway in front of the locker room door. The team bus was going to leave for the airport soon, but his food delivery from GrubHub hadn’t arrived yet. After checking the time on his phone for the tenth time in the past five minutes, he glanced up and saw…
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