Fred “Vleet of Voot” VanVleet: best backup PG in the league? I’m too lazy/dumb to come up with a list of all the backup PG’s in the league, so I can only make weak assertions with no evidence or facts to back them up. Fans of the other 29 teams in the league will probably…
Read MoreTag: Toronto Raptors
Jakob Poeltl 17 Points Full Highlights (3/21/2018)
I considered writing a big multi-paragraph essay about why Austria is so awesome (Jakob Poeltl is one of the reasons) for this description, but I feel like Austrians aren’t as fervently nationalistic as, say, people from former Yugoslavian states. Blatantly pandering to them would not earn me as many subscribers. I will say, however, that…
Read MoreJonas Valanciunas 26 Points Full Highlights (3/13/2018)
I’m really digging Jonas Valanciunas’ beard this season. It looks good. Lots of volume, good shaping. Not one of those “well I’m in my mid-twenties now so I guess I’ll try one out” things that’s all patchy and pubey (Kelly Olynyk I’m CALLING YOU OUT). It looks like head hair except it’s on the bottom…
Read MoreNorman Powell 17 Points Full Highlights (3/7/2018)
Norman Powell has sucked big-time balls for most of the season up to this point. After being a valuable bench contributor in limited minutes for his first two seasons, the Raptors signed him to a fat 4-year, $42 million extension before this, his third season. And then his confidence turned into balls, his jumpshot turned…
Read MoreC.J. Miles 20 Points/6 Threes Full Highlights (3/2/2018)
As you might remember, my expeditious foray into the Instagram arena was short-lived because my mom somehow found out about my Instagram page before anybody else. All I wanted to do was make a little extra money on the side by showing off my heinie in a thong. The whole account is deleted now (how…
Read MoreJakob Poeltl 13 Points/5 Assists Full Highlights (2/28/2018)
I don’t know why I was expecting a Jokic-esque passing performance from Jakob “Blake Griffin’s Hillbilly Cousin” Poeltl when I looked at the boxscore tonight. Actually, I do know why: because he’s a Euro. He’s not really a Euro, though. Euros in the NBA come from former Yugoslav countries, or Lithuania, or from German/Spain/France/Italy. Austria…
Read MorePascal Siakam 17 Points Full Highlights (2/23/2018)
If the Bucks had lost this game, I would’ve remained mad for about a week because of the BS shot that Pasacal Siakam hit with 2 minutes left in regulation. Happily for me and for every sane individual who loves America, the Bucks managed to pull it out, and I was only mad about Siakam’s…
Read MoreSerge Ibaka 20 Points Full Highlights (2/14/2018)
Sergeballu LaMu Sayonga Loom Walahas Jonas Hugo Ibaka is the dude on the Raptors who least wants to pass the ball. They’ve been sharing it well lately, but Ibaka, he wants to SCORE, dammit. Same with C.J. Miles, which is a little more inexcusable. Ibaka, at least, is a bigman who usually gets the ball…
Read MorePascal Siakam 17 Points Full Highlights (2/14/2018)
Jonas Valanciunas, shirtless, raised his eyebrows when Pascal Siakam sat next to him. His eyes got even wider when Pascal began to caress his biceps. “Uh, what are you doing man?” Pascal’s attention was fixed on Jonas’ arm muscles as he rubbed them up and down. “Trying to get some of your three-point shooting to…
Read MoreJonas Valanciunas 21 Points/2 Threes Full Highlights (2/11/2018)
How is Lithuania doing in the Winter Olympics? Are they winning? Do they usually win? I hope they’re winning, if only to make Jonas Valanciunas happy. I admit, I’m paying exactly zero attention to the festivities this year, because I don’t think Ice Basketball is a sport yet, but I just thought I’d ask. Lithuania…
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