You know how hard it is to make highlights when every single play-by-play source stops midway through the third quarter? It’s frickin’ hard. I hope I got all of Zach Randolph’s buckets, because I was like a blind man in a mirror maze trying to find them. Some people think that highlight-makers actually watch the…
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Zach Randolph 22 Points Full Highlights (2/13/2018)
Zach Randolph was awakened, not by a loud noise or a sudden flash of light, but by a familiar smell entering his nostrils. The smell of a Krispy Kreme donut. Wondering if the scent was just a trick being played on him by his sleepy brain, he reached over and switched on the light on…
Read MoreZach Randolph 26 Points Full Highlights (1/30/2018)
The Sacramento Kings won this game on the back of all the players who Kings fans wish the Kings wouldn’t rely on to win games. Except for De’Aaron Fox, all the top contributors were in various stages of oldness. When I think “exciting Sacramento basketball”, it doesn’t usually involve the names “Zach Randolph”, “George Hill”,…
Read MoreZach Randolph 24 Points Full Highlights (1/2/2018)
Dwight Howard status: totally devastated and mangled at the hands of one Zachary Z-Bo Jailblazer Krispy Kreme Hernandez Moonface Randolph, but still smiling his goofy-ass grin. It’s true: Randolph owned Dwight on the offensive end. Such a thing should not be possible in the year of our lord 2018, but here we are. He took…
Read MoreZach Randolph 27 Points Full Highlights (12/19/2017)
Zach Randolph, now in his 16th year in the NBA, is currently posting the most efficient shooting season of his career. I don’t exactly understand how this is happening, but it is, and we all have to enjoy it while it lasts. At his age, things can go south in a hurry with no hope…
Read MoreZach Randolph 35 Points/5 Threes Full Highlights (12/8/2017)
Sacramento was tonight the location of a momentous battle between the Kings’ present, Zach Randolph, and the Kings’ past, DeMarcus Cousins. The Kings’ future, Skal Labissiere, was not present because he was banished to the D-League for sleeping with Dave Joerger’s wife. So who came out on top in this battle of Kings legends? Was…
Read MoreZach Randolph 22 Points Full Highlights (12/2/2017)
Zach Randolph slumped sadly against the cinder-block wall of his cell in the Sacramento County jail. His mind was filled with regret as he closed his eyes. Why had he ever thought it was a good idea to break into a Krispy Kreme donut store? He had plenty of money with which to buy donuts…
Read MoreZach Randolph 25 Points Full Highlights (12/1/2017)
Zach Randolph approached the Krispy Kreme store quietly. It was two in the morning, and the store was dark, empty of its usual lines of donut-seeking customers. Now he would be the only one in line. Thankful for the store’s location in the middle of a sprawling concrete expanse of shopping centers and big-box stores,…
Read MoreZach Randolph 22 Points/7 Assists Full Highlights (11/22/2017)
I have a new theory on how Zach Randolph can continue to be successful even in his advanced age and with his non-existent athleticism. Brace yourselves. This is going to rock the basketball world. Nobody can guard Zach Randolph because he’s so fat that they just roll off him. Like literally roll off him. They…
Read MoreZach Randolph 20 Points Full Highlights (11/9/2017)
Zach “Black Michelin Man” Randolph on the Kings just doesn’t seem right. His round body doesn’t want to wear a purple jersey, and his perfectly spherical head is not suited to wearing a purple headband. I get that he’s only there to excrete savvy veteran wisdom from his wisdom-pores, but I can’t figure out why…
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