Okay, so last night my girlfriend wanted to go on a movie date. That’s cool, I like to throw her a bone once in a while. So first we go to Outback Steakhouse and I get my usual, two of those onion explosion thingies with extra dippy sauce. Pretty tasty. Anyway, since I got to pick the restaurant, she got to pick the movie. We ended up watching some French art film in one of the tiny little theaters downtown. She kept saying how intimate and cozy it was, putting her head on my shoulder, whatever. I had my popcorn and my soda and my big box of junior mints, I was all set.
So the movie starts and I can’t make any sense out of the plot. It doesn’t help that there are like twenty characters, and it really doesn’t help that I have to read all those subtitles. I hate subtitles. Everybody knows I’m not a good reader. Like fifteen minutes in, there wasn’t even any nudity, so I’m cruising box scores on my phone, looking for the juiciest performances of the night. Everybody knows how excited I get when I see a sick statline. I was muttering to myself, “Tim Duncan just punched father time in the balls” and “Andrei Kirilenko almost got a five by five, holy christ.” My GF kept shushing me but there was nobody around us, and all those hipsters were too engrossed in the movie to listen to my utterances anyway.
Then I saw the box for the Nuggets/Rockets game. As soon as I saw the score I started getting antsy. “Jeremy Lin 23 and eight, Garcia four threes, Corey Brewer 22…” Then my eyes scan over Iguodala’s line.
“HOLY CRAP”
A few people turned around to glare at me. One guy said from a few aisles back, “Dude, we’re trying to watch a movie here.” But I wasn’t done.
“14 ASSISTS! Honey, did you see that?” I reached over and put the phone in front her face. “That’s like a season high! He’s only had more than that twice in his career!” I was having a hard time containing myself. “ANDRE IGUODALA HAD 18 AND 14! WHO NEEDS GALLO? I BET THE MANIMAL CAUGHT SO MANY LOBS”
My girlfriend was crying, I don’t know why, probably because she was so excited thinking about Iguodala. She kept begging to me to shut up. I think she just didn’t want me to tell her about Evan Fournier’s 17 points. But then some asshole usher came in and told us that we causing too much disturbance.
“Too much disturbance? What’s disturbing is that the refs love Harden so much! Iguodala laughs in the face of referee bias!”
My GF chimed in, “Honey, you’re embarrassing me,” and I told her what was really embarrassing was how I had to spend my Saturday night watching some incomprehensible avant-garde art film when I should be making highlight vids. After that bombshell she poured her soda on me, but it was okay because I had already spit a bunch of soda on my shirt after I saw Iguodala’s line. The usher went to escort me out but I just got up, grabbed my girl and my mints, and walked out by myself.
So, long story short, I don’t have a GF anymore. I went to post the link to this vid on her facebook wall but she had already blocked me. No biggie, I don’t need no women. I got a loyal viewership and half a thing of junior mints, life is good my friends. DownToBuck out.