After getting a shiny 32-million contract, Jeff Teague’s shooting numbers have predictably regressed. He is barely above 30% on threes. A common syndrome among NBA players, this reduction in play quality is referred to as “getting paid”. It happens all the time, and it is almost expected that a player’s numbers will stop improving after his agent lands him a contract featuring a lot of money over a long time.
What the NBA needs to do is get rid of guaranteed contracts. That way, teams can just dismiss underperforming players with no penalty. But they need to take it one step further: gladiatorial deathmatches pitting the player against a ravenous, starving D-Leaguer. Whoever emerges from this bloody battle carrying in their hands the severed head of their foe shall be awarded the original contract, as well as their choice from a selection of upper-class Roman prostitutes. These fights to the death could be televised to the subliterate proletariat for their consumption, helping to quell their unrest with exhibitions of bloody sport. The Emperor will surely be pleased, as he will have his entertainment while also helping maintain his tenuous grip on the empire. As he is fond of saying, “panem et circenses.”
First matchup: Jeff Teague vs. Ben Uzoh of the Canton Charge. Remember, Ben Uzoh once got a triple-triple in the NBA, so he’s got a good chance to decapitate Jeff as long as he stays low to the ground and doesn’t expose too much of his chest and stomach.