Kris Humphries, feeling more than a little nervous, walked into the Suns locker room for the first time. He was not good at speaking to large groups of new people, but his message was too important to go unsaid.
When he entered, a number of Suns player looked ready to introduce themselves, but Kris headed them off. “Uh. Hey. Hey everybody!” he called out in an uncomfortably loud voice. His bid to get their attention worked, and everybody quieted down and turned towards their new teammate. “I’m Kris. I guess I’m your new teammate now. But, uh…”
He hadn’t quite figured out the wording he was going to use for the next part. But his teammates were waiting and Kris didn’t want to look dumb, so he just started talking. “In Washington, my teammates would, um, tease me about my ex-girlfriend. It really made me sad and uncomfortable. It would be really cool and great if you guys would just not ever bring up Kim Kardashian around me. Or her ass. Uh. That’s all.”
There was a period of silence, broken in a few seconds by some snickering from Tyson Chandler. “Your locker’s over here next to mine. But you might not like what we did to it.”
Kris walked over as the rest of his teammates ostensibly returned to their conversations, all the while keeping one eye on Kris’ reaction. When Kris reached the far end of the locker room, and saw how his new locker had been decorated, he groaned. “Are you serious? Are you serious right now?”
Covering the inside of his locker were computer printouts of pictures of Kim Kardashian’s naked butt. Interspersed with these lewd photographs were screen captures from Kris and Kim’s erstwhile reality TV show. In places, the printouts were layered three or four deep, like a collage of ass-themed ridicule.
Kris took out his phone and dialed his agent’s number. “Hey, man. Just wondering. Is it too late to get traded again?”