One of the lame things about being an NBA player is that your schedule is so tightly-packed that you don’t get to take part in all the activites that normal US Americans get to take part in. You finish a game and then it’s off to the airport to catch another flight or it’s off to bed so that you can get up at ass-crack early in the morning to go practice.
That’s why I’m guessing that neither Bryn Forbes, nor any of the other Spurs players, got to take part in any of the “Black Friday” festivities that were going on in shopping malls and Walmarts across the country. They had to play in Indiana the day of, then immediately fly off to Milwaukee to play the next night. That leaves almost no time for standing in an hours-long line so you can get a 50% sale on a TV even though you already have one that works perfectly fine.
The good news is, even if the Spurs players didn’t get to take part in the post-Thanksgiving consumerist frenzy, their pal DownToBuck did more than enough Black Friday shopping to pick up the slack.
I’m too skinny and of weak constitution to wait around outside a store in chilly Wisconsin weather, so I just showed up at Walmart right around the time they actually opened the doors. The first problem was, all the available parking places were way too far away, so I just parked on the sidewalk in front of the store. The second problem was, I was a few minutes early, so everybody was still waiting around. I wasn’t about to get in that long-ass line so I sort of loitered near the front pretending to check my phone, then, when the doors I opened, I carefully inserted myself into the crush of people. “Carefully” being a poor choice of words, because there was nothing careful about the near-riot that I willingly joined.
That wasn’t a very good idea from a safety perspective because, as I said, I look like a skeleton with skin, so it’s easy for me to get pushed around and injured. While everybody was funneling through the front doors, there were times when I couldn’t breathe because I was smashed between fat people who were yelling about consumer electronics and probably had spare cheeseburgers in their pockets. When I finally got out, I smelled like sweaty farts (god bless America) and was pretty sure I had some cracked ribs, so instead of running towards the electronics section, I chilled out by the menswear and tried not to die.
That’s too bad, because I could have totally outrun everybody and been the first to reach the gaming laptops. I’m a pretty good runner. Instead, I thought about calling 911 and telling them I had a punctured lung, and then when I got to where the gaming laptops should have been, they were all gone. Even the really expensive ones with the GTX 1080s and the RGB keyboards and the 1TB SSD’s. I bet those dumb fatties just bought them because they were on sale.
I saw some dude walking around with a laptop box and I stalked him for a little while to see if I could grab it from him. Then, when he turned so I could see his front, his shirt depicted a bunch of guns on it and said something about the second amendment. I didn’t know if he was strapped or not but I didn’t want to find out, which sucks because I need a gaming laptop to make highlights on the go. He’s probably just buying it so his stupid middle-schooler son can play Fortnite on it.
This is kind of sad, but I actually left Walmart not even buying anything. Everything I wanted for Black Friday sales was gone by the time I got to it. I went to the grocery section for some consolation Pop-Tarts but they didn’t have the flavor I wanted either (S’mores flavor). That was when I started crying too. My ribs were hurting and some gun nut had the laptop I wanted and when I went outside, my car had been towed.
So, I didn’t actually do any Black Friday shopping because I didn’t buy anything, but I got the real Black Friday experience at least. You’re welcome NBA players.