Shai Gilgeous-Alexander started this game hot. He had eleven points in the first quarter and he was poised to crush his previous career high of nineteen points. I even wrote in my diary “SGA is going to score twenty. I feel it.” Those are the literal words from my literal diary. And then SGA only scored six more points in the remaining three quarters, leading me to wonder: what the heck happened?
Well, thanks to secret reconaissance conducted in the Clipper’s locker room at half time, I think I have the answer. I was there, at the game, sitting in the nice seats with my forged press pass (which shouldn’t need to be forged because I am totally a journalist), and I snuck into the locker room at halftime after punching out a janitor and stealing his equipment and outfit. Then I told the security guys standing next to the locker room that there was a major Gatorade spill. I even pretended to talk on my walkie-talkie to my “supervisor” about it. When I was in the locker room, I just hid in one of the toilet stalls with some extra-high-sensitivity microphones, ready to capture any and all words that were said.
Basically, Doc Rivers hates SGA because SGA is too much like his son Austin Rivers in that he’s a tall guard with ball skills. Doc conspired to make sure the SGA didn’t get any touches in the second half, so that the old wounds of having to trade Austin wouldn’t be reopened. Marcin Gortat was totally in on this conversation. I have the tapes but I’m not sharing them because I’m pretty sure what I did was illegal.
So, there you have it. SGA is like a better, younger version of Austin Rivers and Doc hates it, which is why he never scores as many points as you think he should.