In tonight’s much-vaunted battle of the Croatian centers, two third-year players battled it out for the title of Croat GOAT: Ivica Zubac of the Lakers and Dragan Bender of the Suns. Using mostly facts with a heavy dose of pure truth, I will, in this video description, attempt to figure out which had the better game.
POINTS: Zubac had 24 points. Bender had 5 points. I tried to use the built in Windows calculator to figure out which number is the bigger one, but I don’t understand how calculators work or if they’re even suitable for this type of task. I’m going to assume that Zubac had a better game because his number has more digits in it. ADVANTAGE: Zubac
REBOUNDS: Zubac had 16 rebounds to Bender’s 4. Again, the only way I know how to compare two numbers is to compare the amount of digits they have. ADVANTAGE: Zubac
BLOCKS: Zubac had 4 blocks. Bender had 1. I’m pretty sure four is more than one, but I had to count on my fingers to figure this out, and my fingers are not always reliable. ADVANTAGE: Zubac
ETHNICITY: Both Zubac and Bender are Croatian. If one is more Croatian than the other, I don’t know about it, and I don’t want to know about it. ADVANTAGE: Nobody
COUNTRY OF BIRTH: Both Zubac and Bender were born in Bosnia and Herzegovina. How this relates to them being Croat and not Bosniak, I’m not too sure. I am familiar with the concept of ethnicity not necessarily matching up with birth location, but I don’t know the specifics here. I feel like, as an American ignorant of the geopolitical tensions that occurred and are still occurring in that reigion of Europe, I shouldn’t even be broaching this subject. So I’m just going to leave it at that. If the comments devolve into a nationalism-driven cesspool, I’ll pretend it’s not happening. ADVANTAGE: Nobody
TEAM SUCCESS: The Lakers both won this game and have a better record this season than the Suns. ADVANTAGE: Zubac
ABILITY TO SUPPLANT OTHER PLAYERS IN THE ROTATION: Zubac, after a slow start to the season, managed to shove McGee to the side and take a lot of his minutes. He is also resistent to yielding minutes to Tyson Chandler. Bender, on the other hand, couldn’t outplay anybody for minutes, and had to wait for other big guys on his team to get injured before he could play. ADVANTAGE: Zubac
COOLNESS OF NAME: Ivica Zubac has a fun, weird name that immediately identifies him as some kind of Eastern European. Dragan Bender has a name that is easily pronounced even by illiterate Americans, and is also reminiscent of dragons, which are truly the most awesome mythological creature. Tough one, but I gotta go with the guy who’s named after dragons and not the guy whose name looks like a typo. ADVANTAGE: Bender
PHYSICAL ATTRACTIVENESS: Zubac, with his heavy eyebrows, looks like a caveman. Bender, with his protuberant chin and smaller-than-usual facial features, looks like a cartoon character. If anybody wins this one, they both lose. ADVANTAGE: Nobody
After careful consideration using all facts at my disposal, and some facts not at my disposal, I have conclusively and factually determined that IVICA ZUBAC was OFFICIALLY the better player tonight. Score one for Croatia.