Since people (read: Australians who have a constitutional mandate in their countries’ founding legal framework that says they have to watch one or more Joe Ingles highlight videos per day) aren’t watching as many Joe Ingles highlights as they should, I decided to take matters into my own hands. I booked a flight to Sydney, and that’s where the problems started.
Problem one on my Antipodean voyage: there weren’t enough wallabies just wandering around the airport for me to cuddle the second I stepped off the plane. In fact, there weren’t any wallabies at all! Nor kangaroos. Just a bunch of Australians. And, honestly, they didn’t seem like the good kind of Australians. Everyone makes fun of Americans for being so fat, but when you do that, I expect to go to your countries and not see just as many fatties.
Okay, so fine, maybe all of Australia doesn’t need to be my own personal petting zoo. That’s fine. I can see why you wouldn’t want a whole bunch of ridiculously poisonous snakes slithering around all over the place. You guys get a pass on this one. Begrudgingly.
Problem two on my journey to the southern hemisphere: I got arrested for breaking into the Sydney Opera House and setting up a projector that played Ingles highlights nonstop (also no admission fee so I don’t see what the problem was) so that Aussies could come in on their lunch break or whatever and fulfill their duties as Australian citizens. Which, I should remind you, is to watch one (1) Joe Ingles highlight video per day. Honestly, I should’ve been the one arresting the cops who arrested me because when I was talking to them about the whole situation, they pretended to not even know about the constitutional mandate! I was just trying to help Aussies not got arrested, and I’m the one getting arrested. What a joke. And then I said “You can’t arrest me, I already arrested myself just by coming to this godforsaken penal colony” which shut them up real good.
Problem three on my austral excursion: this prison doesn’t even have computers! Luckily I got a phone smuggled in so I can use a remote desktop app to access my home computer so I can keep uploading videos, but damn man, it’s slow going. You know how hard it is to edit a video together on a tiny-ass screen without any keyboard shortcuts? Christ. Someone please rescue me, my court date isn’t for another two weeks and they don’t even have PopTarts.