Everybody knows that Joe Ingles has a wife. He has a wife and she’s pretty cute. Not crazy hot like a supermodel, but cute in a sporty way. All of those are well-established facts which cannot be disputed. My question is, does Ingles have a best friend who’s a dude? And if he doesn’t, how do I apply to become his best friend?
Here’s a sampling of my resume. It is by no means a listing of all my qualifications, but below you’ll find the experience I have that most directly relates to being Joe Ingles’ best guy friend:
-I can be kind, but also firm and honest about balding.
-I have an industrial-strength microwave which contains within it a normal kitchen microwave (albeit overclocked to the point where Chernobyl looks like the normal background radiation of everyday life). This is important because I can heat up snacks (bagel bites, pizza rolls, pop tarts, etc.) way faster than any other so-called “best friend” would be able to.
-I have considerable knowledge of Australian culture. For one, wallabies. Second of all, didgeridoos. Third, I can call people cunts.
-I will rebound for hours without complaining or taking even one shot.
-I don’t really have any friends so I have a lot of time to devote to being Joe Ingles’ friend.
-Only one person can offer a sneak peek into the day-to-day operations of a successful YouTube highlights channel. Me.
-I can relocate to Australia for part of the year as long as you promise that my internet won’t get throttled or censored.
-I will give hugs without complaint, if that’s something that Australians do in their culture.
-I won’t try to seduce Joe Ingles’ wife because I’m not that kind of guy. Also I’m done with women forever.
-I am competent at video games. I am also interested in most phases of data processing, if Ingles wants to discuss data processing with me.
-I won’t mooch.
As you can see, I am uniquely qualified above all others to be Joe Ingles’ best friend, assuming he doesn’t already have one. But even if he does, I’m probably a better friend than that guy, so Ingles should replace that guy with me.