When I found out that I was being traded away from Minnesota, a land abandoned by god and beset by the cursed white sand which the ever-tormented locals refer to as “snow”, I fell to my knees and wept. While I have always been fond of my teammates and the fans in Minnesota, the fact that the devil’s precipitation menaces my life from the months of November to April makes it very hard to have any positive feelings about the state that the Timberwolves call home.
Coach Saunders assumed that I was weeping because I was so sad to be leaving the team that I had been on for so long. I saw no reason to correct him on this point. The people of Minnesota struggle to understand my anxiety when it comes to the cursed white sand which so regularly is disgorged from the demon-clouds above. Some of them are even fond of the vile stuff and become disgruntled when a weather forecast which predicts plentiful snow turns out to be a falsehood. They will be disdainful of the sky-augurers (known as “weathermen”) and make claims that their auguries of the sky are more accurate than the auguries shown on the local news television stations. How can they be so lax towards the dangers that the evil sand presents that they wish for more of it, not less? If even one accursed flake so much as grazes my exposed skin, it would burn a hole right through me and I would die.
While I was on my way to the airport to fly to Memphis, there was a most horrific blizzard (so the most intense storms of the cursed white sand are called) and road conditions were hazardous. My Uber driver was swearing and cursing, but in a lighthearted way, as if he was ignorant of the true, mortal danger that snow in those amounts could pose. “Hope you’re going somewhere warm, man,” he said to me, and I could only muster a weak smile that must have looked more like a grimace, so afraid I was of my life.
Waiting at the terminal, seeing those thick granules of Satan’s sand fall upon the godforsaken land of Minnesota, it truly felt as if Lucifer himself was trying to prevent my escape by surrounding me with horrific piles of the cursed white sand right when freedom from his evil clutches was so close.
But escape I did. Now I am in Tennessee. My new teammates have assured me, after my persistent and frantic questioning, that snow is an extremely rare occurrence here.
The nightmare is finally over.