Jae Crowder did me a favor tonight by providing me the chance to make the easiest 18-point highlight video ever. By hitting six three-pointers and doing nothing else worthy of being included in the video, my job was as low-effort as it could possibly be. Imagine if, instead of hitting six three-pointers, he hit nine two-pointers; that would be 50% more clippage for me to compile. Then consider the nightmare scenario where he hit 18 free throws on nine separate shooting fouls where the shot didn’t go in. That would be 27 separate clips, or 350% more clippage. Appalling. That’s the kind of video I would refuse to make on principle.
Since Crowder did me such a solid, I am hereby awarding him one (1) DTB Point. This brings his career total of DTB Points up to a total of one, as far as I can remember. If we’re being honest, the DTB Point system is run on an ad hoc basis and my bookkeeping isn’t as rock solid as it should be.
What are DTB Points, you ask? Good question. You know how Wendy’s has this new system where if you place mobile orders through their app you collect points that you can later redeem for food? DTB Points are like that, except there’s not usually food involved, and the only people eligible for the program are NBA players, and points are generally given out way more judiciously than the points free-for-all that Wendy’s is operating.
If Crowder amasses ten DTB Points, he’ll get the chance to request a highlight video of himself on a night when I wouldn’t normally make one due to him not meeting my criteria for notable performances. And if he amasses one hundred DTB Points (a very unlikely occurrence), he can write his own description for his own video and the only editorial control I’ll exercise is removing the swear words.
I forgot to add: participation in the DTB Points Program is contingent on the participant paying a one-time registration fee of $100,000. Crowder’s points will not confer until he pays this fee by way of personal check made out to Mr. Down T. Buck.
(Ed. note: the Wendy’s app lets you add blue cheese crumbles to any sandwich. This revelation changed my life. Please contain your jealousy as I utter the tantalizing phrase “Wendy’s reward points in the five-digit range”)