One of the high points of every NBA season is the release of my “Top 100 Dunks” video. It’s the closest I ever get to making a video that broadly appeals to humanity at large (rather than the small subset of humanity that is enthusiastic about NBA role-players scoring pitiful amounts of points). Is there anything more viscerally entertaining than watching an orange sphere getting blammed through the rim in violent fashion a hundred times? I have spent at least ten seconds thinking about that question, and the answer is a definitive “no”.
The world can only observe in silent reverence as I conduct the secret processes which result, always, in a perfectly ordered compilation of dunks (a “dunkilation”, if you will). I have held the details of my methodology close to me, not sharing them with any other, rightfully seeing them as a necessary competitive advantage in the cutthroat world of NBA highlightage.
In the past, I have faced criticism for the rankings of my dunks. Some will find a certain dunk ranked too high or a certain dunk ranked too low. The absence of a certain dunk will arouse complaint. So, too, will the presence of dunks deemed unworthy of inclusion. In response to these criticisms, I will, in the following paragraphs, provide a detailed description of my dunk-ranking methodology, the exact methodology that was used to generate this video and many others before it. By doing so, I will forever place myself in a tier of existence where no criticism can ever reach me, no matter the velocity with which it is hurled by the teeming masses of peasants that squalidly gather at my feet.
(By the way, if any peasants want to give me money, they can do so here: https://www.patreon.com/downtobuck)
OFFICIAL DTB DUNK RANKING STEP #1: Look at all the dunks. No joke. I literally do this. I watch every dunk that is recorded in the play-by-play data as a dunk. This, unfortunately, may overlook dunks that are classified, through scorekeeper error, as “layups”.
OFFICIAL DTB DUNK RANKING STEP #2: Go to the game footage and clip all worthy dunks (and their replays) out of that footage. It is from this selection of footage that the true “best dunks” are narrowed down.
OFFICIAL DTB DUNK RANKING STEP #3: Rank the dunks that I have selected. This is, perhaps, the step that is of most interest to my viewers (and to my rival highlight makers, who are certainly reading these words with the saliva of anticipation forming upon their lips, as if their true animalistic nature has overtaken their humanity). Therefore, I will break this step down into sub-steps:
OFFICIAL DTB DUNK RANKING STEP #3.1: Pick a dunk. Stick it at the beginning of an empty project in my video-editing software (name of software purposely undisclosed).
OFFICIAL DTB DUNK RANKING STEP #3.2: Pick another dunk. If it is better than the first dunk, stick it after the first dunk. Otherwise, stick it before that dunk.
OFFICIAL DTB DUNK RANKING STEP #3.3: Pick another dunk. Determine its proper placement among the dunks that have already been ranked. This determination is made by painstaking frame-by-frame analysis, combined with an advanced database of dunks (“dunkabase”) which weight certain dunk metrics (height of vertical leap, velocity of ball slammage, intensity of body-on-body contact, aesthetic quality) against each other to provide a quantitative analysis of dunk quality. Note that the popularity of a given player or team is NOT a dunk metric which is given weight in my dunkabase.
OFFICIAL DTB DUNK RANKING STEP #3.3 (ADDENDUM #1): If the chosen dunk is high enough quality, place it far away from the other dunks that have been ranked. This is the “good dunk” section. “Good dunks” receive extra scrutiny in their rankings. That is not to say that the other dunks are ranked with less vigor. All dunks are ranked with the proper amount of vigor (an amount of vigor that most would find intolerable).
OFFICIAL DTB DUNK RANKING STEP #3.4: Repeat step #3.3 until all dunks are ranked.
OFFICIAL DTB DUNK RANKING STEP #4: Edit the video to achieve proper pacing and intensity.
OFFICIAL DTB DUNK RANKING STEP #5: Delete replays as necessary to ensure that the runtime of the video is less than nine minutes and 44 seconds (this seemingly random number is the arbitrary cutoff point at which my videos get flagged and removed from YouTube).
OFFICIAL DTB DUNK RANKING STEP #6: There are no more steps.
The end result of this process? A dunkilation which all would agree far surpasses the productions of other highlight makers and even the NBA itself in pure entertainment value. Not only that, but it results in a dunkilation with which there can be no disagreement.
If you disagree with the ranking of any of these dunks, be aware that you are wrong. By design, my methodology cannot generate rankings in error. It is ironclad. The only error here is the error your parents made in deciding to conceive you.