The 2020-21 NBA season bears down upon us with unexpected swiftness. The Finals finished nary a month ago, and here we are getting ready to start up again in just a few weeks? Where has the time gone? Does time mean anything anymore, or is it simply another one of mankind’s feeble mental constructions, shoddily erected in a universe of chaos to provide a modicum of order to his overwhelmed mind?
Regardless of whether or not time objectively exists, the fact of the matter is, I gotta get going on uploading my NBA full-ilation. In case you missed the memo (you DID get the memo, didn’t you?), this series of four videos depicts the first made shot of every player who got a bucket in the 2019-20 season. The players are depicted in order of how many shots they made. For that reason, the first part of the series (this part) will contain the most familiar names.
Casuals can stop watching this after the three minute mark. Nothing after that is relevant to you. For the rest of my loyal scrubscribers, stick around to part four. When people say that the NBA is “where amazing happens,” I’m pretty sure they’re talking about the players in part four.
0:00 “Beautiful” is not an accurate descriptor of this shot. Marv Alzheimerbert is even more senile than we ever knew.
0:13 New rule: three-pointers don’t count unless they disappear off the top of the screen before swishing perfectly through the net. Aftermath of this new rule: Davis Bertans gets a supermax contract. Additional aftermath of this new rule: Chandler Parsons is out of the league. Wait.
0:17 Lillard’s spin-move dunk is an early contender for “most atypical first shot”.
0:21 The Blazers had two guys who were in the top six league-wide for FGM. None of the so-called “superteams” (Clippers, Lakers, Bucks) could claim that. Who’s the real superteam now, huh? HUH?
0:25 This embarrassing shot truly set the tone for Westbrick’s season of soul-crushing brickage.
0:37 Sneak preview of the kind of defense that we would see from the Wizards for the whole season.
0:54 I’m doing the Chris Duhon travel dance right now.
1:11 T.J. Warren is the first name in this video where I’m like, “wait, why is this dude here?”
1:15 He’s not The Klaw. He’s The CHISEL.
1:53 The best part of this video is that it only contains one clip of Julius Randle. I promise you won’t have to watch any more Julius Randle footage after this one. Please stop crying.
2:09 I’m hearing a whistle here. Was that just an unnaturally loud shoe-squeak? Did they mic up the floor?
2:25 Dillon Brooks’ leaning midrange jumpshot is an early contender for “most typical first shot”.
2:34 True story: I once pulled this move off in a pickup game. It ended in a turnover, but the ball successfully went between my legs, so that officially counts as “pulling it off”.
2:55 Can’t wait to watch Drummond/Love/Sexton on the Cavs this year. So excited.
3:11 This angle sucks. It’s like a Bubble angle but not in the Bubble.
3:42 Note that Joe Harris appears right between Joel Embiid and Kemba Walker. I’m not trying to imply anything here.
3:58 Surprisingly brutal crossover from old man D-Rose. Brogdon walked almost all the way to the concession stand trying to figure out where he went.
4:17 If Fultz was ever considered a bust, he can no longer be considered as such, since he shows up in the first half of Part I.
4:33 This is the state of post play in today’s NBA. Will somebody that’s not the Bucks please go out and sign Greg Monroe?
5:08 Maybe, by the time I upload this video, Eric Bledsoe will have been traded. One can only hope.
5:12 Going by straight-up bucketage, Eric Bledsoe is better than Kyle Lowry. I hereby retract my previously-stated wish for Bledsoe to be traded.
5:21 Usually the really pathetic buckets ramp up in part IV, but here we are treated to one in Part I!
5:57 The only two rookies to get more buckets than Eric Paschall were Ja Morant and Kendrick Nunn. If you don’t think that’s the most cranially destructive factoid that your neurons have ever encountered, please excuse yourself from my channel.
6:00 New idea: NBA foul-ilation. The first foul from every player.
6:21 I feel like John Wall should show up before Ish Smith. Hmm. Weird.
6:54 THIS is the Lopez I want. Lumbering around with savage grace in the post and then shooting turnaround jumpers over midget defenders.
7:36 Did Austin Carr just wake up from a nap and yell “shoot it!” without even trying to assess what was happening in the game?
8:51 Defensive specialists shouldn’t get to appear in Part I of ANYTHING unless it’s Part I of my NBA defense-ilation, a video which I promise to NEVER EVER upload.
9:08 Fun fact: After I gathered all 520 clips for this video series, I realized I was missing one. It was Kevin Huerter. Would anybody have noticed if he wasn’t here?
9:36 What the FRICK is a low-volume role-player like DFS doing in Part I? Did I accidentally upload Part II by accident?