https://youtu.be/ni4POkyUAMA
Jarrett Allen walked into the locker room and was received with a chorus of whoops and cheers. While it was not as ecstatic a celebration as had certainly occurred in that locker room after higher-profile wins, and there were no impromptu Gatorade baths to be found, the assembled Cavaliers players made sure that Allen’s in-game contributions were acknowledged.
After taking a swig out of an exotic-tasting bottle of alcohol that Cedi Osman had produced from somewhere, Jarrett walked to his locker and began tossing aside old pairs of sweatpants and crumpled potato chip bags, apparently looking for something.
“You missing your afro pick?” Andre Drummond quipped from the next locker over.
“Very funny, Andre. My afro is never in need of a comb. It maintains its perfect shape and volume without my interference.” He said this coldly, but Andre laughed, interpreting it as simply a deadpan joke. Annoyed by his teammate’s need to make simple-minded small talk, Jarrett returned to his task, overturning the entire contents of his locker before finding what he was looking for. Triumphantly, he brought out a two-piece, Frozen-themed luggage set. Cutesy Disney characters adorned every flat surface.
“This isn’t mine.” A few more teammates were looking over at Jarrett’s unorthodox choice of luggage as Jarrett explained. “This is yours.”
A loathsome look of utter incomprehension overtook Andre’s face. “That’s not mine.”
“Oh, but it is,” Jarrett went on. “Don’t you see, Andre? I packed your bags for you, because you’re gone.”
Andre still displayed no understanding of the situation. Jarrett’s immaculate presentation was being sabotaged by his target’s slow wit. “I’m not gone, I’m here.”
“Maybe for tonight, Andre. But I’ve demonstrated that the team needs no centers besides me and JaVale. Management sees that your ball-hogging, stad-padding ways are hindering our development and lowering our ceiling. The situation has never been brought into clearer relief than tonight, where I achieved a significantly better statline than your average, while also scoring efficiently within the flow of the offense.” He held out the luggage for Andre to take, and when Andre didn’t take them, Jarrett instead unzipped them and dumped the contents all over Andre. Little girl’s dresses, shoes, stuffed animals, and coloring books showered over him. “Go! Get out! We don’t need you! We don’t WANT you!”
Andre, tired of being disrespected, looked ready to fight. All other Cavaliers players seemed frozen in place.
Jarrett, even facing a disadvantage in a physical confrontation, only laughed at Andre’s posturing. He slung his gym bag over his shoulder and prepared to head home. “Bye, Andre. I would say it was nice playing with you, but it really wasn’t. It was awful. Hopefully we never see each other again. Enjoy Charlotte.”
Andre tried to follow Jarrett out the locker room door, but slipped on a size two purple ballet slipper. There was a snicker from the other side of a room. Then a poorly-contained guffaw. Jarrett smiled as he heard the laughter grow into an uncontrolled uproar, filled with the happy knowledge that the team was now his.