It was the battle of the tall, skinny, foreign dudes. Alexsej Pokusevski of the Thunder and Kristaps Porzingis of the Mavericks. The question on everybody’s mind: who outplayed who? Which skinny bigman turned in the superior performance? Using my god-given power of truth-seeking, I have analytically analysed all the factual facts to reach a conclusive conclusion, focused entirely on verified truths with no lies, and I will now lay out my thought process for you. At the end, there will be an OFFICIAL FINAL DTB VERDICT that will name a winner. Let’s get started.
POINTS: Porzingis had 20 points, which is okay. Pokusevski had 21 points, which, on the surface, doesn’t look much better. However, using the precepts of mathematics (a branch of scholardom that I am well-versed in), I have determined that Pokusevski scored one more point than Porzingis. ADVANTAGE: Pokusevski
OTHER STATS: Porzingis had 9 rebounds, 5 assists, 2 blocks, and a steal. Pokusevski had 6 rebounds, 2 assists, and no blocks or steals. Those same precepts of mathematics which I discussed earlier seem to point to Porzingis winning this category easily. His RABS total (rebounds, assists, blocks, steals) of 17 is a significantly heftier integer than Pokusevski’s RABS of 8. However, this simplistic formula ignores the nuances of an NBA game. We must look at whether the RABS a player accumulated were crucial to team success, or whether they were “padded stats”. And it’s obvious that Porzingis was just mindlessly padding his stats while Pokusevski was doing exactly what it took, and no more, to help his team succeed on the court. ADVANTAGE: Pokusevski
NATIONALITY: Porzingis is from Latvia. Pokusevski is from Serbia. At the risk of inflaming nationalistic strife that could be simmering under the surface of one, or maybe even both, of these countries, I’m not going to go too deep into this one. Let’s just keep it simple: Serbia is way better of a country than Latvia. ADVANTAGE: Pokusevski
TEAM SUCCESS: The Mavericks beat the Thunder quite comfortably in this one. However, which team is really poised for success here? The one that has a young superstar supported by a competent cast of role-players, plus one injury-prone but star-caliber big man, or the one that has about fifty billion draft picks and trade exceptions in addition to a roster full of scrubs that are barely NBA caliber and a washed-up big man who is getting paid eighty million dollars over the next three seasons to not play? The defense rests, your honor. ADVANTAGE: Pokusevski
PHYSICAL ATTRACTIVENESS: Porzingis has a suave hairstyle and a pleasing face. His body is muscular without giving off a “steroid monster” vibe. Certainly, most women would consent to be bedded by him. But, let’s face it, there’s no contest here. Pokusevski is on another level of attractiveness. Skinniness is in with the ladies, and Poku has it. And when you poll women, most of them rate the chin as the least attractive part of the male body, so the fact that Poku has no chin at all is not a problem. His haircut is notable in that it’s not really any sort of “hairstyle” – it’s just hair. Women are, frankly, turned on by an unassuming gentleman who is unworried about such trivialities as hairstyles. ADVANTAGE: Pokusevski
OFFICIAL DTB VERDICT: After all the truthful facts have been verified for accuracy and correctness, and all lies have been discarded, there is only one possible conclusion to be reached: Aleksej Pokusevski is BETTER THAN Kristaps Porzingis.