Like the similarly-failed Pistons, the Cavaliers were supposed to be good this year. Kyrie Irving + Dion Waiters + Tristan Thompson + 1st-overall-pick was supposed to take the Cavs to the promised land of a first-round sweep. Instead, we get a team plagued by injuries, problems with overeating, and teammates punching each other. And that’s…
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Matthew Dellavedova 14 Points/12 Assists Full Highlights (4/9/2014)
Mike Brown looked at his watch, annoyed. “Where the hell is Delly? That guy’s been flakier than Frosted Flakes lately! He can’t just not show up to the pregame shoot-around!” Dion Waiters was concerned. He thought he knew what was up, but kept his mouth shut for the time being. He had not told anyone…
Read MoreSpencer Hawes 20 Points/5 Assists Full Highlights (4/2/2014)
Watching this video will make you happy. Witnessing the ball go in the basket will release chemicals that will compel your brain to feel the emotions of happiness and satisfaction. However, your brain lies to you; when watching these highlights, you should feel only sadness and melancholy. “But why, DTB? Why? Spencer had a good…
Read MoreDion Waiters 26 Points Full Highlights (4/2/2014)
With Kyrie Irving being out of commission recently due to getting hurt filming one of those Uncle Drew commercials, Dion Waiters has had a nice stretch of games. He is showing that all he needs in order to live up to the expectations of his draft slot is the ball in his hands a ton…
Read MoreMatthew Dellavedova Career High 21 Points/6 Assists/5 Threes Full Highlights (3/26/2014)
“Haha I win again! Man Delly, you suck at NBA Jam!” “Shut up Dion you know I only have one good controller. As the good host that I am I graciously let you use it. The buttons on the one I’m using are all sludgy and horrible.” “Always with the excuses. Damn, all this ass-kicking…
Read MoreMatthew Dellavedova Career High 14 Points/10 Assists Full Highlights (3/22/2014)
“An Ode to Vegemite” “What greater pleasure can there be Than a piece of toast adorned with thee The sultry lust, the first bite Enter me now, my Vegemite Yeast extract is your main allure Any ills your taste shall cure Invented in 1922 by Cyril P. Callister A treasured representation of Australian culture Maybe…
Read MoreTyler Zeller Career High 23 Points Full Highlights (3/22/2014)
Tyler Zeller: least disappointing Zeller brother? Let’s do a rundown. Cody Zeller has shown no ability to score outside the paint despite his new and improved jumper being one of his selling points in the draft. High basketball IQ? People only say that because he’s white. Anthony Bennett has deflected lots of the negative attention…
Read MoreMatthew Dellavedova 11 Points/10 Assists Full Highlights (3/20/2014)
“Oy! I just put some shrimp on the barbie!” yelled Spencer Hawes as he dug into the shrimp that came with his gigantic steaks. The rest of the team laughed as Spencer ate without regard for cleanliness or manners, except for Matthew Dellavedova, who sat sullenly without food in front of him. “Hey, Delly, Outback…
Read MoreJarrett Jack 22 Points Full Highlights (3/18/2014)
The Cavs wanted to make the playoffs this year. They figured, not necessarily wrongly, that Irving + other recent draftees + a savvy vet + 1st overall pick was going to be enough to do it. So they signed Jarrett Jack to bring scoring punch and playmaking to the bench and to be a savvy…
Read MoreSpencer Hawes 20 Points Full Highlights (3/4/2014)
Spencer “The Mulleted Manhandler” Hawes probably didn’t appreciate being traded from one ugly situation (Philadelphia) to another ugly situation (Cleveland). I’m sure he was angling for something like Houston or Miami, or at the very least Chicago. Every team has a place for a seven-footer who can shoot threes and look really dopey wearing an…
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