Here’s a question for you: can Gordon Hayward be the centerpiece on a championship-caliber team? Trick question! If you even considered for half of a second you have been victimized by my trickery. There is no way, in this universe or in any of the untold alternate universes where dudes have two dicks, that G-Ward…
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Gordon Hayward 25 Points Full Highlights (12/1/2014)
How do the Thanksgiving festivities of an NBA player compare to those of the average American meatbag? They probably don’t have the benefit of having the opportunity to eat with their families, which could be a good or bad thing (screw you uncle Steve why do you always have to ruin Thanksgiving?). I imagine that…
Read MoreGordon Hayward 30 Points Full Highlights (11/29/2014)
I feel so bad for Gordon Hayward. It must be so embarrassing to be in your mid-20s and still have a face that looks like it’s smiling from a kid’s TV show. And once you get to be that age, you know you’re going to be stuck with your babyface forever. There’s nothing to do…
Read MoreGordon Hayward 27 Points Full Highlights (11/3/2014)
Gordon Hayward sat in front of his computer, growing more and more frustrated as he played. “Get good? You get good! You’re the noob you damn fruitcake!” he yelled into his headset as he lost another game of League of Legends. “Match me on Starcraft and we’ll see who the real noob is! Oh, and…
Read MoreGordon Hayward 24 Points Full Highlights (11/1/2014)
Gordon Hayward sauntered up to his new teammates, Dante Exum and Joe Ingles. “I couldn’t help but overhear your guys’ conversation.” Both of the Australians perked up. “So you got the new Assassins Creed too, mate?” Dante asked. “The gameplay is just on another level.” Gordon laughed. “Well, actually, no. Those action-adventure games are for…
Read MoreGordon Hayward 27 Points/5 Assists Full Highlights (1/21/2014)
Gordon Hayward had another good game, scoring 27 points, dishing 5 assists, and unfortunately hitting 2 threes. Why unfortunately? Because every time the Jazz hit a three some financial institution donates 50 dollars to some cancer research center. Don’t get me wrong. I’m glad money goes to a good cause. Definitely better than it going…
Read MoreGordon Hayward 22 Points/3 Blocks Full Highlights (1/2/2014)
Amid the bustle of the team meal, held in a swank hotel conference room, Gordon Hayward sat in silence. Plate of chicken cordon bleu untouched, he typed and clicked furiously on his laptop. “Yo, playin’ more of that StarCraft again?” Diante Garrett asked, approaching the empty table. “Actually, just putting together a new gaming rig…
Read MoreGordon Hayward 29 Points Full Highlights (12/2/2013)
My source within the Hayward family has again furnished me with a copy of Gordon’s christmas wish list, which is presented here in its entirety. 24 pack of Monster energy drink Logitech G19s USB Gaming Keyboard with adjustable color GamePanel LCD and custom color backlighting Spalding NeverFlat basketball – mine went flat Hot Pockets –…
Read MoreGordon Hayward 28 Points/5 Assists Full Highlights (11/6/2013)
His pale skin looked almost translucent, the light of his monitor bathing him in a ghostly blue tinge. Empty Hot Pocket wrappers and half-eaten Pop Tarts littered the surface of his desk. The click-clack of keys was ceaseless. Gordon Hayward, mouth agape, stubble reaching critical levels, fervently upgraded his units. “Must…construct…additional…pylons…” he murmured. His eyes…
Read MoreGordon Hayward 27 Points Full Highlights (3/21/2013)
What percentage of NBA players smoke marijuana? It’s got to be pretty high (get it, haha I crack myself up). But seriously, if I was a young multimillionaire I would be blazing that ish every day. Especially because I’d fear no repercussions from the cops. Or my parents. I only ask this because Gordon Hayward…
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