Kristaps Porzingis vs. Marquese Chriss: who ya got?
I’m talking about if they actually fought with their fists here. Not what really happened, which wasn’t indicative of anything except that NBA players don’t, when it comes to down to it, actually want to throw down.
Let’s take a look at the facts, shall we?
MUSCULATURE: Kristaps looks like he just got done with a hunger strike, whatever muscles he once had consumed by his own ravenous body. Marquese, on the other hand, has packed on a fair bit of muscle since leaving college, and could be considered “jacked” in some circles. Advantage: Marquese
NAME: Kristaps has a name that is evocative of the great Russian power-boxers of yore. Imagine Michael Buffer saying his name before a huge pay-per-view match. Damn. I’m getting goosebumps. Marquese, I don’t even know how you pronounce his name. There are so many ways it could be. Advantage: Kristaps
SKIN COLORATION: Marquese is black, while Kristaps is white. If WorldStarHipHop has taught me anything, it’s… whoa, hold up, you actually thought I was going to continue that sentence? Advantage: I am not a racist
TENACITY: Marquese hasn’t shown anything yet in the NBA that makes me think he’s an especially tenacious combatant, and his “big man shooting threes” play-style hurts him in this department. Kristaps’ “big man shooting threes” play-style also hurts him here. Plus, something recently came out about him getting dominated by Mark Madsen while the Lakers were working him out pre-draft? What the hell? Advantage: Mark Madsen
TECHNIQUE: If either player has thrown a legit punch in their lives, I would be surprised. NBA players are not fighters; their hands are way too valuable for that. Advantage: Nobody
INTANGIBLES: White people, by default, have way more intangibles than black people. Remember, I am not a racist. Advantage: Kristaps
SECOND: In case of incapacitation, Kristaps’ backup fighter (called a “second”) would be Kyle O’Quinn, who I’m pretty sure once killed a guy back in his home country of Ireland. However, Marquese would use his Phoenix connections to get the Morris twins to be his backups, backups who are known to beat the hell out of people for fun. Two is greater than one, even if the one is a legit murderer. Advantage: Marquese
Tally up the results and you will see that it would be a fairly equal fight. Both participants would stand at center court, trading blows in a manner reminiscent of the classic Frye-Takayama match until, after 10 minutes of nonstop face punches, they both collapse on the hardwood, dead as doornails.