Rudy Gobert 26 Points/5 Dunks Full Highlights (2/1/2017)

Rudy Gobert, clad in an all-black skinsuit, had to restrain a chuckle as he easily entered the night-darkened home of Adam Silver. The commissioner had clearly not been expecting home intrusions when he had left the windows of his living room swung open. Now, thanks to his lax security, Adam would pay the ultimate price.

Once Rudy was inside the house, it was trivial to quiet Adam’s snarling dog with a packet of gourmet French dog biscuits. As the dog scarfed down its treat, Rudy walked through the foyer and towards the master bedroom, where he knew Adam would be asleep with his wife.

When Rudy entered the bedroom, he first had to make sure that the woman did not interfere with Rudy’s carefully-laid plans. Guided by the dim light of his flashlight, he slipped a sleeping pill with its coating removed into her gaped-open mouth, underneath her tongue, where it immediately began to dissolve. Now, he took out the ropes from his pack and began the most important part of the plan. If Adam woke up now, all would be lost. He had to be cautious and gentle above all else.

Fifteen minutes later, Rudy stood up from where he had been leaning over Adam’s bed and wiped the sweat from his brow. Adam’s four limbs were now tied to different parts of the bed, so that he was spread-eagle and facing the ceiling. Adam’s wife was curled up in a ball, since her husband was taking up most of the bed with his outstretched body; Rudy easily picked up the woman and deposited her in a different room of the house. He double-checked the dog; it was resting contentedly on the living room floor, and wagged its tail when it saw Rudy, regarding him as a friend.

Rudy returned to the bedroom and leaned over Adam again, putting his face right up next to the Commissioner’s. “Wake up, Adam. Wake up,” he whispered. When this only caused Adam to snort in his sleep, Rudy raised his voice. “IT’S TIME TO WAKE UP!” he bellowed, causing Adam to jolt awake.

However, when the highest-ranking NBA official realized that his arms and legs were restrained, he immediately began to struggle. “What is this? Who are you? Get out of my house!” he said, the sentences coming in rapid succession. Then, he looked to the side and saw that his wife was missing. “What did you do to her?” he demanded.

“Shhh. Your wife is fine, Adam. Things might not turn out so well for you, however.”

Realizing the danger he was in, and recognizing that he was at the mercy of this unknown intruder, Adam immediately began to negotiate. “I’ve got money. Fancy paintings. All of it. Take all of it! Just don’t hurt me, PLEASE!”

Adam’s quick submission to Rudy’s power was quite exciting to Rudy. But he wasn’t here for money or valuables. He was here to teach Adam a very, very important lesson. He removed a package of fine French cheese from his pack, an especially piquant and soft variety, and removed the protective plastic packaging. “To show that there are no hard feelings in overlooking me for the All-Star game, it is my hope that you enjoy this French delicacy, sir,” he said politely, shoving the entire circle of cheese into the commissioner’s mouth.

Coughing and choking at the unexpected food item entering his mouth, it took Adam a few seconds before he began to chew and swallow normally. Most of it, though, he spit out.

Rudy angrily took out a handgun and brandished it at Adam. “If you spit it out again, I might have to use this,” he warned. “I want you to enjoy the fine foods I have brought for you.” Adam could only splutter and stare wide-eyed at the weapon, and when the next wheel of cheese was smashed into his face, he obediently ate all of it.

When it was finished, Adam pleaded, “No more, no more, Rudy! It’s so rich, I feel sick!” Spittle ran out from the sides of his mouth and his teeth were coated in gloppy cheese residue.

Unsurprised that his identity had been discovered, Rudy responded to Adam’s pleas for mercy by dumping the rest of the contents of his bag onto Adam’s chest, showing him that there was still a lot of French cheese left to eat. “I am insulted that you do not care for the fine cheeses that I had imported from France specially for you,” he said lightly, putting an exaggerated frown on his face. “I imagine we will be here for some time, though, and I have no doubt that you will develop a taste for the sublime flavor profiles of these most exquisite cheeses.”

Four hours later, when the sun began to rise, the only sounds in the Silver household were of Adam’s uncontrollable retching and of Rudy’s insane laughter.

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