Never is E’Twaun Moore’s “Eat One More” nickname more appropriate than on Halloween night. My apartment doesn’t get a whole lot of trick-or-treating visitors, but I do get a couple, so I make sure to have a bowl of candy at the ready for all the little goblins and witches and superheroes. The way I do it is, every child gets one piece of candy just for showing up. That’s the baseline. But then, they sort of against their will get entered into a kind of NBA trivia game that promises to give them more candy the more questions they get correct about the NBA.
A lot of the girls don’t make it past the first question, which is “what team did Michael Jordan last play for”. Honestly, a lot of the boys get that one wrong too, but I’ve never had a girl get it right. The point of this question is to weed out the players who have no chance to advance to the higher rounds where the candy rewards enter truly insane levels (just try telling a kid that they could win 64 pieces of candy by answering one question – they’ll start crying from sheer excitement).
This year, the third question was “who is the fifth-leading scorer for the New Orleans Pelicans this season?” Only one player, some asshole 13-year-old who wasn’t even dressed as anything as far as I could tell and who arrived at 9:30 PM carrying two pillowcases full of candy, made it past the second question, which was, “name two players from the most recent draft picked outside the lottery,” (he gave Donte DiVincenzo and Grayson Allen, so I knew he was racist too).
The kid didn’t know. He guessed Julius Randle. What a moron, it’s obviously E’Twaun Moore. But he did get the second question right, so I gave him three bonus pieces of candy (one for the first question, two for the second; the third would have been worth four since it goes up by powers of two).
I tell you, back in my day, kids would get to question five or six no problem. What are they even teaching in those damn schools these days? I guess I’m the real winner here because I loaded up on enough candy to pay out up to twenty theoretical players who made it to question sixteen. Yeah. You do the math. I’ll be eating these treats until I die.