“Evan, why you look sad? We won game!”
Evan looked up at his hulking Russian teammate and sighed. “It’s just, I heard Andre talking about how he’s going to treat his woman to a night on the town, and it reminded me that I do not have a girl to call my own.”
Confused, Timofey asked, “But you bangs girls all time. After game you beat off girl with stick, haha.”
“That’s different, Timofey. I don’t want a pump and dump. I want a real girlfriend, a girlfriend I can snuggle with and take to the zoo.”
Tapping his finger against his chin, Timofey tried to conjure a solution for the Frenchman’s problems. Suddenly, a thought came to him. “I have idea! I know lot of woman in Russia who will love come to United State. I give them call and tell them about lonely French man who need companion.”
Evan shook his head. “I don’t want a Russian mail-order bride. I want a woman who appreciates me for my chivalrous personality and warm character.”
“Russian woman love warm. It very cold in Russia.”
“No, I mean I want a real girlfriend, not a used-up Russian model looking for a way out of the collapsed ruins of her life,” Evan said, trying to get his point through the Russian man’s head.
Timofey took out his phone and dialed a number. As it rang, he explained, “I call up girl I know name Klementina, and you talk to her, maybe do phone sex, then she can come to US and be wife for my friend Evan.”
“That doesn’t seem like a gr-” Evan started, before being handed the phone. The female on the other end spoke with the ragged tones of a forty-year-old smoker.
“Hi Evan. My name Klementina and I love you forever. I stay home and make baby while you play sport, be your hot wife, make all teammate jealous.”
Without a response, Evan hung up the call. “I know you’re just trying to be helpful Timofey, but I don’t think that this is the way I want to go.”
Timofey smiled. “Oh, no like Klementina? I give Svetlana a call and-”
Getting up from his seat in the locker room, Evan cut Timofey off. “No, really, Timofey, that’s fine. I think I’ll just hit the town and see if I can make some connections out there.”
Timofey watched sadly as his lovelorn teammate exited the locker room. “Poor Evan. He not know Russian girl are best girl. Oh well, more for me!”