Mason Plumlee 18 Points/5 Dunks Full Highlights (3/21/2014)

Excuse me while I reflect upon the gross injustice of my life.

Okay, I’m back. It is absurdly unfair that Mason Plumlee gets to dunk, but I don’t. He’s not a better person than I am. It’s not like he single-handedly saved a bunch of orphans from a burning orphanage, and that’s why he gets to be seven feet tall. He just happens to be a really tall guy, and with his tallness comes the ability to dunk basketballs.

Every dunk I watch is ripping a gaping hole into my soul. Then, when the Nets broadcast team re-airs Plumlee’s dunks in YES-mo, all I can think about is that maybe I would still be with Jennifer if only I could dunk. Making videos featuring people who can dunk doesn’t count, according to her. I used to think that she didn’t know what she was missing when she left me, but now I understand fully: why would you date a guy who can’t dunk where there are guys out there who can?

I didn’t do anything to deserve this agony.

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