Pushing the call button next to his bed urgently, Amar’e Stoudemire waited for his live-in nurse to arrive next to his bed. In a few seconds, Sherie rushed in, looking concerned. “What is it, Amar’e?” “Take me to the hologram projector, Sherie. I have some stuff I need to watch.” Sherie rolled her eyes. “Oh,…
Read MoreMonth: June 2014
Patty Mills 14 Points/4 Threes Full Highlights (6/12/2014)
“Patty Melt” Mills’ Finals success is one of the great feel-good stories of this year’s season. After years of derision and humiliation, Patty has proved that Austrians can, in fact, do some things right. This is the first step in improving the perception of Austrians in the American public’s collective psyche. The fat little dude…
Read MoreJames Jones 11 Points/2 Minutes Full Highlights (6/12/2014)
The Heat’s season has been reduced to the Finals commentators arguing on whether or not uneaten donuts from dinner constitute “leftovers” or “dessert”. Meanwhile, in the background and totally ignored, James Jones lights up the court for the two minutes of playing time he gets, splashing three triples. I almost expected Justin Hamilton to appear…
Read MoreJohn Henson All 64 Dunks Full Highlights (2013-14 Season Dunkilation)
“Hello, welcome to Chipotle, what will you be having today?” The burrito constructor didn’t even look up at who she was addressing as she prepared her burrito-constructing station. “Let’s see, I think I’ll…” At the sound of the familiar voice the attendant looked up and smiled. “Oh, it’s you! Two steak burritos, extra guac and…
Read MoreDanny Green 15 Points/5 Steals Full Highlights (6/10/2014)
I’m not liking this new development. You know what I’m talking about. Danny Green shooting shots inside the arc. Has anybody informed him that the reason he shoots it from out there is because those shots are worth three points? No matter how pretty your floater or layup is, it’s only ever going to be…
Read MoreKevin Durant All 146 Dunks Full Highlights (2013-14 MVP Season Dunkilation)
Kevin Durant, unhappy with the way his season had ended, was going to pay LeBron a visit. Not a pleasant visit it would be, for the guest that LeBron would be greeting was no longer fully human. Floating above the city of Miami, silent as a whisper, Kevin could go as fast or slow as…
Read MoreJeff Green All 46 Dunks Full Highlights (2013-14 Season Dunkilation)
It’s been a while since I updated you guys on my rap career. The people in LA aren’t as nice as the people in Wisconsin, but the record label guys want me to be here, so I guess I’ll be here for the time being. They also don’t want me posting my rhymes on the…
Read MoreDirk Nowitzki All 145 Fadeaway Jumpers Full Highlights (2013-14 Season Dirkilation)
Dirk Nowitzki sat down at his desk, finally having made himself ready for this task of greatest import. Getting out the flamboyant feather pen that he kept around for occasions such as these, he looked at the blank parchment in front of him, wondering if he would know what to write. He had never been…
Read MoreRay Allen 16 Points/1 Dunk Full Highlights (6/5/2014)
Ray Allen is 38 years old and can still get up there to dunk. In contrast, I’m in the prime of my life and I get excited if my fingers graze the net. It would be fair to ask, “What did I do in a past life for God to punish me so?” But let’s…
Read MoreJosh McRoberts All 31 Dunks Full Highlights (2013-2014 Dunkilation)
Josh McRoberts opened his eyes to find himself in a dimly-lit arena. The court bore no team-specific insignia, and there was nobody in the darkened stands. “Not this dream again,” he groaned, eying the basketball that sat at center court. “I know what’s going to happen when I pick up that ball. It’s going to…
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