Cole Aldrich, JaKarr Sampson, Trevor Booker, Glenn Robinson, and Zach LaVine sat in the otherwise empty television studio.
“Where is everybody else? I thought everyone who was playing tonight was invited to be in the studio audience of this Oprah show. Andrew said he’d be here, for sure.” Zach LaVine remarked as he looked around at the sea of open seats surrounding the five players, who were sitting in a row.
“Maybe they don’t like Oprah? I sure don’t. I’m just here for the chicks that I mistakenly thought would be present.” Trevor Booker responded. There were murmurs of assent as he said this.
“You don’t like Oprah? the way she pulled herself out of poverty is truly awe-inspiring. Even if you don’t like her show, you must respect her as a person. She’s an inspiration to African-Americans everywhere.” Zach replied.
“But to us white people, she’s just another big-mouthed bitch!” Cole Aldrich said as he put his feet up over the seat in front of him.
Just as Zach was about to rebuke Cole, the lights dimmed slightly. “Everyone shut up! The show’s about to start!” Glenn Robinson hissed.
Out came Oprah Winfrey, smiling and waving. The “applaud” light came on; the five NBA players dutifully began applauding as the taping began. She did not seem to notice that there was no one in the audience, proceeding with the topic, teen pregnancy, as if there were a huge crowd of middle-aged women hanging on her every word.
The show continued on, covering the issue with its usual care, trotting out various sad-looking teens to illustrate the pitfalls of promiscuity. However, the players soon became bored, and took out their phones to browse their social media profiles, or, in the case of Glenn, just fell asleep.
“And now it’s time for prizes before we finish it up for today!” Oprah announced gleefully as the show neared its conclusion. At that, the five men sprang to attention, not least because they would soon be allowed to leave.
“We’re giving out a career-high today! Everybody check under your seats; if you find a basketball underneath, you will score a career high in points during tonight’s games!” Oprah smiled as the cameras panned to the studio audience grasping excitedly under their seats. One by one, Cole, Trevor, Glenn, Zach, and JaKarr each discovered a regulation sized Spalding basketball, which they held up in front of them, ecstatic.
It did not take them long to realize that all five of them were holding identical basketballs.
“Everybody gets a career-high! Everybody gets a career-high! Everybody gets a career-high!” Oprah yelled as she jumped up and down in excitement.
The players soon imitated her. Alternately embracing and waving their arms frantically, they congratulated each other on their soon-to-come career bests. Cole, overcome by emotion, roughly grabbed JaKarr and buried his face into the other player’s shoulder, his tears mixing with the confetti that was raining down from the ceiling.