“Dear DTB,
I know I’m a little bit fat, and I know that you love to make fun of fat NBA players in your descriptions, but could you lay off the fat jokes when you inevitably make a video chronicling my nineteen-point performance? I’m a savvy vet. As a holder of the “savvy vet” title, I get to be a little bit tubby. Andre Miller is pudgy too but since he’s been around forever, nobody cares.
It totally makes sense for you to constantly deride Jared Sullinger and Marcus Thornton. Those guys are young and their metabolisms are still fully operational. My metabolism gave up the ghost a long, long time ago. The last time I had a metabolism there were still cornrows on my head. If I even look at a cheeseburger I gain four pounds. Sullinger eats twenty cheeseburgers a day to maintain his doughy ass. I would know. I saw into their locker room. I saw the McDonald’s wrappers.
I’m not asking for preferential treatment, just a little bit of common human decency. Please don’t call me fat in your video description. I would also appreciate it if you refrained from simply posting this letter in its entirety. This is supposed to be a private conversation between two gentlemen, not an open letter to be mocked.
Enclosed you will find a check for $2,000 dollars to help you make your decision.
Yours,
-Jared Dudley”