Today, the unimaginable happened.
To preface this account, I must stress that I am very careful to check the weather forecast many times per day. If there is even a wisp of cloud floating in the sky, I will double-check to ensure that none of the cursed white sand will fall from the sky that day. The weather people on the television still insist on calling it “snow”, as if that will hide its true nature as a demonic creation of Lucifer. I have written them a letter but failed to modify their behavior in this regard. But that is ancillary to the tale which I am about to tell.
It was very cloudy today, and I was not eager to go out, but my teammates wanted to celebrate after our win. The forecast alleged that none of the devil’s precipitation would fall, so, despite the worrying conditions and my own reservations, I accompanied my teammates to a club downtown.
Parking in downtown is difficult to come by, so my car was parked many blocks from the nightclub. I rejoined my teammates and we had good times over some drinks, but my mind was disturbed, and I wasn’t as social as I usually am. After many hours, it was time to leave, and in my inebriated state, I failed to look at my phone to review the current and projected weather conditions. In addition, the nightclub possessed no windows, creating an illusion of perpetual night within its walls.
When I pushed open the doors and walked out, I found to my horror that I had walked right into a storm of the infernal white sand. I am not proud to admit it, but it was at that time that my sanity temporarily lapsed. I began to yell like a madman as I ran all the way to my car, ignoring traffic and other pedestrians. A few of my teammates saw my predicament and laughed, which was very insensitive, given that they know of my hatred for the accursed white sand. At that very moment in time, however, I was beyond caring for their juvenile games. I finally reached my car, and for many hours after that, I huddled there like a scared child, for that is what I was.
Thankfully, I was dressed in multiple layers as I always am at this time of the year, so not even a grain of sand ever succeeded in molesting my skin. If it had, I might currently be sick in the hospital or worse. No, the only damage I sustained is to my soul.
This terrible event will be burned in my memory forever. It is doubtful that I will sleep tonight. Perhaps, in my sleeplessness, I will have time to ponder on what exactly prompted Satan to afflict the land of Minnesota with such a plague as the white sand, and why the inhabitants of this place seem to be ignorant of its detrimental physical effects.
P.S. I turned Pau Gasol into my bitch tonight. It is a shame that my outstanding performance was befouled by a trap set by Satan himself.”